Archive for the 'heart break' Category

27
May

it’s not easy…

By Adrian 3 Comments
Categories: heart break, life and rants and raves

I was at the Postal Office, waiting for the number in my hand to show up on the red LED screen over the counter. I was thinking mostly on the things that needed to be done, and how I wished the receptionist would move her fat ugly butt to speed things up.

Alas, it was my turn. I quickly ran to the counter, submitted my paper, and paid the fee required for printing the relevant document. Before I took off, I had the courtesy to make a few jokes with her, light up her day, and then I made my way out.

Suddenly I stopped short in my track. For some unknown reasons, I suddenly had the urge to venture upstairs to speak to the groomers at Pet Safari. Instead of running to the carpark, I detoured to the nearest elevator and went up.

Once I reached the grooming room, I looked around and didn’t see Jackie, my god-son the Golden Retriever. I waved to the groomers, said my Hi, and was about to leave when something caught my attention. I ventured nearer and there he was, Fluffy, in the cage, bangging frantically at the steel door, looking at me, desperately wanted my attention. When he saw that I noticed him, he wagged his tail so fast that it kept banging on the glass wall.

I was stunned. It has been more than 3 weeks since I last saw him. I was denied the chance to see him, hold him, hug him, kiss him, and play with him. Suddenly, for no apparent reasons, I saw him right in front of me, and he was so happy to see me.

I walked to the cage as quickly as possible without tipping anything over or kicking any wires. I opened the cage, and he jumped right out, stood on his hind legs, scratching my legs frantically as if asking me where the hell I had been and why didn’t I go to see him.

I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I kneel down, scooped him off the floor, and hugged him as tight as possible, inhaled as deeply as possible to take in the familiar scent of his, and kissed his forehead softly and gently. I whispered into his ear, saying, “Sorry dear. How have you been? Have you been a good boy? Daddy miss you so much, do you know that?”

He looked at me with those huge twinkling eyes, and started kissing my face. I hugged him more tightly than ever, and I had the urge of just dognapping him so that he could be with me, living with me, so that I can see him daily, play with him everyday, and to take care of him.

I looked at the groomer, and I asked, “What time is she coming to pick him up?”

“She will go to our house at night to pick him up,” came the reply.

“Okay,” I answered.

I put him on the floor, and he ran around me, circling my legs, scratching me once in a while, sniffing me as if trying to etch the scent of mine into his tiny brain. I called him, and we both walked out from the grooming room. I kept watching him, afraid that he would bump into something or lost, and he walked as fast as he could with his tiny and short legs to keep up with me.

I smiled. The first smile I had for weeks, a real smile that came from heart.

I took him to Starbucks, and after I have ordered my drink, I sat there, my eyes fixed on him, capturing his every movement, trying to remember the day as best as I could since I do not know when will be the next time I’ll be seeing him. He looked at me, sighed, and crept up next to my leg, and slept. We spent quiet moments together, and sometimes I would scoop him up from the floor, hugged him, kissed him, and talked to him about the recent changes, what had happened to me, updating him, telling him how much I missed him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t speak, or else I would kill just to listen to him telling me how he has been for the past few weeks.

Time, as we know it, tick at exactly per second basis. But under certain circumstances, the concept of time is different. At that moment, I felt that the second was ticking way too fast, and I was trying hard to slow it down. Very soon, the sky turned darker, and I looked at the watch; it was time to go, no matter how reluctant I was. I looked at him, and he looked back at me, as if sensing what I was thinking. I told myself, “Just another 5 minutes.”

The extra 5 minutes turned into 20 minutes, but I didn’t care. I hugged him again, played with him, kissing his forehead, and told him how much I love him and miss him. Then I inhaled as deep as I could, stood up from the chair, and started walking to the grooming room.

At that exact moment, my phone beeped. I looked at the message, and I sighed deeply. It was more bad news, and at that particular moment, I couldn’t handle it anymore, so instead of replying and explaining, I decided to ignore the message, and continued the difficult journey back to the grooming room.

I put him inside the cage, and he struggled and ran out before I could close the door. He knew what I was doing, and he wanted to follow me. I scooped him up again, and put him into the cage, and this time I succeeded in closing the door.

He looked at me with those twinkling eyes again, and I could tell that he was asking me why I wanted to abandon him again, leaving him there instead of taking him home. I kneel down, face to face with him, and said, “Sorry…”

I turned, and I walked out from the grooming room.

From that moment onwards, I knew, I realized, for a fact that, my life will never be complete again.

14
Apr

April 14th

By Adrian 6 Comments
Categories: heart break and memories

April 14th, 2004. That is the date that I will remember vividly, besides the many birthdays and stuff.

April 14th, 2004, at around 930pm @ Singapore. That’s when it happened. That’s when we met. That’s when it started.

I will remember this date for a long long time (of course, with the help of the Calendar utility) because for the first time, and hopefully not the last, that it meant something to me. It is a special date for me, far more special than my own birthday.

But I think I am the only one who think that this date meant something, that this date is special.

It doesn’t matter. What’s important to me, will remain important to me for as long as possible.

Coincidentally, not a few days after this date, I will be going to Singapore.

Ironic, isn’t it?

For this special anniversary issue, I will take an entry from my personal journal and post it up here. I know what you are going to say (yeah you, the funny eye person), but please bear with me, for the time being. At least allow me to have the rights to be sentimental during this very special time.

To you,

There is something that I always wanted to tell you.

I love you. I always do, since the first time I met you. No question about that, and no doubt about it.

I don’t know how to use beautiful words to craft the most beautiful sentence in the world, but my love is in the most true and sincere form from my heart. When you said you loved me, I believed you, without a single trace of doubt. But now, I doubt if your love towards me was ever real.

For all these years we had been together, I never once had the liberty to meet with your best friends. You told me stories about them, the meetings with them, and how they expressed their curiosity to meet me. But for all these years, I don’t even know how they look like. All I knew were their names and that’s about it. I didn’t even get the opportunity to meet with your family for all these years!

Am I that not good for you to show me off to your friends? Was I that no good since the very beginning? Were you that embarrassed to reveal your boyfriend to your friends? You might have your reasons, or excuses, but I showed you off to the world, to my best friends, normal friends, and even my family.

Despite all that, there is still no doubt from my side that I still love you. But I wonder if your love towards me was as real as you said, or as much as my love to you. Did you mean every word you say? Or was it something you knew that I wanted to hear, or that was something to cheer me up.

Even though I had to go through so many things in the past many months because of you, my feelings toward you did not change. But amazingly, you could switch-off just like that, and treating me as a complete stranger. You said there are possibilities in the future, but I wonder how we can be together again? Is it even remotely possible that we can be together again, just like last time?

Against my will, I have to say NO. I didn’t want to let go, for months, and cling on to anything that I had. I went through hell and back, just because I believed that what you did was for my own good. But now, I doubt that. I doubt that what you did was because you just don’t love me at all. You wanted out, so you use beautiful words to lead me to believe that there is still a possibility in the future.

Both of us know that it was the end. There is no more possibility. There is no more probability. It is the end of story.

For months, I hugged myself to sleep every night, shivering even without air-conditioner, because I felt so empty inside me. It was like I was all alone in the galaxy, and no matter how hard I tried to shout, no sound could ever come out from me. I was floating in the space, and no matter how many times I tried to swing myself to a shore, I was always floating aimlessly in the infinity.

I lost weight. I lost a lot of hair. My health deteriorate drastically, and my hands are constantly shaking. But I cannot blame you.

After going through so much, and meeting a person who is much more unfortunate than me, I finally woke up. I know it is not easy, but I must let go. I know it is difficult, but I must try. I know I will miss you, but you are no longer mine.

I read from somewhere that the truest form of love is to let go. I didn’t know I was capable of such act until I met you. I can suffer for years to come, but all I wanted is to see you happy. You were not happy when you were with me, so I hope you will find your happiness.

With Love,
Me.

There you have it. Think twice before you click the Enter for comments, because at this moment, I am still very fragile. Things are picking up, but it will take time for me to recover.

24
Mar

The Trip To The City State

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: heart break and work

Over the weekend, I went to Singapore for business trip. Nothing fancy, just a one day trip (went in the morning and came back in the evening) and I was taking the coach.

When the coach was about to leave the station, my mind was racing about the discussion that I was about to have that afternoon, and I was running scenes on how things would go wrong so that I could prepare some answers for whatever questions that might come up during the discussion. I was also digging into my bag to ensure that I brought the supporting documents and whatever that is needed to be done.

All was well, so I finally relaxed, and tried to take a nap. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. On average, I slept for 2 hours maximum for the past few days, and I really needed the rest. I closed my eyes, my mind drifted to a land far far away, and I was sound asleep soon. I didn’t dream. I haven’t had a dream for months because most of the dreams and hopes were shattered into million pieces and at the end, all I got were disappointments. I had enough of that, so for months I had refused to dream, or even acknowledge that I had one.

Then, out of sudden, I woke up. I was dizzy, and I thought we had reached the custom check point or something, but the scenery outside the window was still moving. I thought there was an accident or something. I looked around, and all was quiet except the coach engine humming softly at the back, and the driver was chatting quietly with the assistant at the front. I fished out my mobile phone, thinking that maybe it vibrated or something so it woke me up. Nope, no messages, no missed calls. No nothing.

I relaxed, sat back into the reclined seat, and looked out the window.

At first I didn’t realize it, but a sense of sorrow hit me hard. I thought I was just giddy from lack of sleep or something like that and I hated it when I woke up from my sleep by surprised. So I just looked out the window and enjoy the scenery.

The trees, road markers, and everything else passed by in a blurry image. It is just like time, flying pass us at extreme speed, and sometimes it is so fast that the things around us will become a blurred image, except that the scene outside can be created again if I were to travel the same road at the same direction, but time cannot be reversed. How I wished, for many nights, that I could turn back the clock. If I could, a lot of things would be different right now.

Anyway, while I was looking outside the window and watched those blurred images flew by me, I suddenly realized why I was in sorrow…

Almost exactly one year ago, I was on the same coach (Nice++, just in case you are wondering) with Maria on the way to Singapore also. It was almost the same weather (it was cloudy in the morning), and we were holding hands, cuddling under the very chilling air-conditioner vents, and talking while watching the sceneries flying by us. She was going to Singapore for a meeting while I was companying her down and did a market survey on Singapore (which is related to my company), but my intention is more so on companying her down.

If you follow this blog for some time now, I am sure you read about how we started, so sometimes we would go back to Singapore to re-visit and stuff like that. We used to stay at the Robinson Quay Hotel, Marriott Hotel, Copthorne Orchid Hotel, and etc. Last year, at around the same time, we were staying at the Copthorne Orchid Hotel, and this trip, the final destination for the coach was also Copthorne Orchid Hotel.

One year ago, it was a nice trip. Both of us were happy, chatting all the time, and on the way back at night, we were hugging each other to fall asleep.

But how things had changed drastically in less than a year.

That day, I was going down to Singapore, on the same road, on the same bus, all alone, and single.

When I reached Singapore, I saw the familiar buildings, like Siemens, and saw the familiar names like Bukit Timah, Toh Guan Road, and the happy moments we had at the French Village. The memory came back to me, and I was trying my very best to recall if the scene I saw during the weekend was any different than almost a year ago. Nope, nothing has changed at all. The material doesn’t change, but human does.

It’s amazing, isn’t it?

One moment, when the memory is still fresh, things are forever changed.

One moment, people can change drastically and turn their backs on you.

One moment, you remember the place as it was, exactly like how it was when you left. But this time, the emotion and feelings towards that place is just so different.

In the evening, when I was done with my stuff, I climbed up to the Nice++ coach again at Copthorne Orchid Hotel. I wished that I got time to spend just one night there, but I was in a hurry. So finally, I climbed up to the coach, and I turned and looked out. It used to be two shadows merging into one, but that weekend, all I saw was my shadow reflecting on the road under the bright orange-yellow street lamp. I passed the single ticket to the bus operator, and started my journey back to Malaysia, alone, and single.

Related Post:
The First Encounter

11
Mar

Visiting Fluffy

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: heart break and life

Over the weekend, Maria went back to Singapore for work-related stuff, and she asked me if I wanted to take Fluffy in during the weekend. I wanted to, I really wanted to. But my living condition is not suitable for him. I would say that Fluffy will definitely not feel comfortable living with me. So I agreed to her suggestion that she shall put Fluffy at the groomer’s place for boarding. Furthermore, the groomer has 8 dogs so Fluffy could play with them.

There was a General Election during the weekend, so I took it as an opportunity not to show up. The groomer has became a close friend over all these years and only one of them knew that Maria and I broke up. I didn’t tell anyone because I don’t think it is necessary but most importantly, I wanted to keep it alive. Alive in the sense that in the future, we might be able to patch things up and be back together. But if things really don’t work out, I still don’t see the necessity to inform them. They will find out themselves.

Anyway, on Sunday, I couldn’t stand it anymore so I went to the groomer’s place to visit Fluffy. It has been a long time since I saw him and I really miss that little fluffy furkid.

When I reached the groomer’s house, all 8 dogs plus Fluffy came out to greet me. He stood on his hind legs and scratched my leg. I was so happy and touch, so I scooped him up and hugged him, kissed him, and talked to him. It has been a while, even one week seems like a year to me, so I took the opportunity to hug him and talk to him. But after less than 2 minutes, he grew impatient and wanted to go down to the floor. I let him.

He ran towards the other dogs and started humping another Shih Tzu. For the next one hour, he didn’t come to me again and he was busy playing with other dogs. Even sometimes when I called him, he didn’t acknowledge me until I used a very fierce tone.

Then the groomer invited me for dinner, so I stayed. After taking the dinner, I went to play with Fluffy while he was playing with other dogs. Well, I am not sure if it was accident or what, but he bite me. Well, it was partly my fault because while he was playing, I pulled his hind leg and he just turned and attacked. Of course I wasn’t blaming him. I couldn’t even bring myself to scold him.

It was nothing serious. It was only a small tiny cut on my hand, and it wasn’t painful at all. But on my heart, it was a deep cut and it was really painful like someone just squeezed my heart with all his/her might. I didn’t say a thing. I just smiled at all the watching eyes and continued to play with him (actually its more like I was sitting there watching him play with other furkids in the house).

Not long after that, I went back. I wanted to stay longer to play with him but I was really tired from lack of sleep and I felt bad for disturbing them for so long. So I took my belongings and walked to the gate. I turned and saw that Fluffy was still busy playing with the dogs. I opened the gate, looked again, and he didn’t even come out from the door to take a look.

I can’t blame him. It has been 5 months now and the most I get to see him is only once a week. I have been out of his life for 5 months, so it is normal that the distance between us had grown further and further. But it still sadden me greatly.

If I had a choice, I would wish that I could turn back the clock so all these will be just a bad dream. Unfortunately, I can’t change the facts and I must admit the defeat. My beloved Fluffy is growing further and further away from me.

26
Jan

The Letter

By Adrian 4 Comments
Categories: heart break

Dear Maria,

This sounds funny. I am still not used to call you by your names since the day we started our relationship. We are used to call each other by the nicknames we got for each other for the past 4 years. But since things had changed, so abruptly and suddenly, I guess both of us have to start to get used to call each other by our real names.

That’s funny, isn’t it? Just like how we started, and how we ended.

Yes, I still remember the white-and-black polka dot spaghetti tube top and the black pants that you were wearing on the first night we met in China Jump. I still remember the wine that you were drinking. I still remember the DJ was spinning Kelly Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”. I still remember how I was just standing there, eyes wide opened, looking at you, and how your crystal clear big eyes shinning back at me like a twilight in the darkest night, piercing right into my soul.

I still remember how my knee grew weak when you came over, patted me on the shoulder, and smiled at me while you were introducing yourself and your friend, Sharon, to my ex-colleagues and me. I remember how stupid I was when I was asking for the napkins from the bartender to ask you for your number. I still remember how you teased me by ignoring me for a moment, and then gave me some warmness the next. I still remember how reluctant I was when it was time to say our goodbyes for that night, and how disappointed I was when you didn’t want to give me your mobile number (but you did give me your business card).

I still remember how happy I was for our next meeting, a Friday night, 2 days after our first encounter. I still remember how anxious I felt when I was jumping into the MRT to rush to our meeting locations with my ex-colleagues and your friends. I still remember how we hold our hands, for the very first time, when we were just walking down the river, looking up into the clear cloudless night sky, and looking at the Raffles Hotel. I still remember how clumsy I was when I didn’t know how to save my phone number into your LG phone. I still remember we went to the ultra late supper and our reluctance to say our goodbyes when you needed to go home. I remember how I contemplated to give you a good night kiss but resolved to just a hug because I felt inappropriate, and how you were expecting me to give you a kiss for the night.

Then, I also remember the sadness and torture of being apart when I came back to Malaysia. We used to talk day and night on MSN, and sometimes I would stay back in the office late at night just so we could chat on MSN.

I still remember the day you came to Kuala Lumpur for your business trip. I rushed to the hotel, basically breaking all the traffic law available because I didn’t want to be late. And after that, we went off for dinner, holding hands, and how excited I was until I almost ran into a light pole, and how you laughed at my silliness. Then how we walked to the Starbucks, to sit down and talked. Yes, I still remember the very first night we spent together at that hotel.

Yes, our relationship started, and blossomed quickly into something special to both of us. Of all my previous relationships and the girls that I know, no one is as special as you are, and I was so happy that I took up that job at that company because they were the one who sent me to Singapore for training, and that’s when I met you. Of course, that company suck but I am still grateful that I worked there, hence got the opportunity to meet you.

Then our very first holiday together to Phuket, Thailand. It was so romantic, so sweet, so nice, and I still remember every bit of details and sometimes I read back the travel journal on the journal book that we bought in Phuket. Sometimes I will even fire up the Phuket folder on my laptop just to look at the pictures that we took. Unfortunately, both of us are not picture person so we seldom take pictures of ourselves. But the scenery, the images, they all bring back the sweet memories to me, even until today.

Of course I also remember the happiness when you decided to move to Kuala Lumpur, and the sense of urgency for me to find a place for both of us to stay. After sourcing, scouting, calling, viewing, I decided a few places and took you for viewing when you came here again for business trip. Yes, I wanted to build a love nest, a life, together with you. That time you didn’t want us to live together and you actually wanted to live alone. I didn’t like that idea. But sooner or later, you finally allowed me to move in together with you.

Maybe that was the biggest mistake that both of us had ever made.

I remember the day when we went to SS2 to withdraw money from the ATM, and how we saw Fluffy in the tank. I remember how you rushed to take a look and how you felt in love with him that instant. I also remember how reluctant it was for you to let go. I still remember we went over to the bank to withdraw the money to buy him. I even created a 3-of-us category to write about our lives together because I see both of you are something truly magnificent and special in my life; you as my wife, and Fluffy as our son.

I remember how we trained Fluffy to become what he is today. I remember the happiness and joy we had when we got him, and the joy and happiness after. I remember how happy you were when we decided to buy him, and how happy you were when Fluffy fell in love with you. I remember how happy I was when I saw that both of you being so happy, and I remember how contended I was, the joy swelling in my heart, and how I thought to myself, “Oh yes, this is the kind of life I have been seeking and this is really something I want.”

I still remember the happiness that you brought me, all the vacations that we went, and the support that you had given me all these years, be it financially, emotionally, and the carnal pleasures that we had all these years.

I never forget.

I am sorry how everything turned out for both of us. None of us, or at least me, don’t want this to happen. Both of us don’t want this relationship to end this way. I know that I am the one who called this relationship off, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do, but seemingly the only choice I had for the situation, and I think that is the best thing for me to do, for you.

I am sorry that I imagined our wedding dinner, with the lights dim, “Canon in D” playing while we walk into the room, and all eyes are on us, smiling, clapping, and cheering for us. All of our close friends and relatives are there to congratulate us, to wish us happiness, to wish us a long lasting love. But I am more sorry that this will not happen anymore.

I am sorry that I insisted on seeing things my way. But I am more sorry that you totally refuse to even open your eyes to see why there are certain things that I disagree with you. There are more than thousands of people using supplementary line and they had no problem claiming the bill to their company, so why must you insist that the number MUST be under your name? I am most sorry that I didn’t see it clearly that you wanted the phone line to be separated, but if that’s your intention, please don’t give me lame excuse because I am not an idiot and your so-called reason was weak, and that’s why I had to tell you why it is otherwise. Of course, I am so sorry that you continue using that reason to get the Ownership Transfer. Now that I had signed it, the phone line is completely yours and I hope that you will be happy. I am sorry that there’s no more link between us. I had move out, what else are there to link us?

I am sorry for making you so unhappy for the past one year. I regretted a lot of choices that I had made but I just hope that you would understand why I decided to do those things that I have done. I was trying to make things better for both of us. I was trying to make you happy. But it all turned out the complete opposite than what I had intended, and I am so sorry for that.

I am sorry that you feel you can have better time alone, even if you are out and about, shopping, or just sitting at Starbucks, without my companionship. I know that’s how you feel, because I was constantly not invited to any of your outings, and it was obvious that you don’t feel comfortable when I am around. I know you feel unhappy and stress when I am around you. I am so sorry for making that kind of effects on you that you no longer feel comfortable and happy with me around you.

I am sorry that you don’t see that your requirement for time and space has caused all these. I am not sorry that you wanted the time and space, but I am very sorry that you don’t see that your insistence on the time and space to yourself is not the only solution to the problems.

I am most sorry about that you refuse the even try to use other methods to solve the problems, the methods that I suggested many times over the past few months.

I am so sorry for suggesting that we should work together as a team to resolve any difficulties that we are facing. But I am most sorry that you think it is better if we do not work as a team and resolve our problems ourselves, separately.

I am sorry that I can no longer be there for you, to pamper you, to care for you, to spoil you, to love you, to hug you, to support you, to kiss you, to company you, and to love you. Even after calling the relationship off, I still think about you day and night, worry about your well-beings, praying for you that things will turn out to be great for you and that you will be happy for the rest of you life. I pray that you will find someone better than what I am, someone worthy, someone who will love you very much and take good care of you.

I am not sorry that I had to go through the physical and mental torture for the past 3 months. I am not sorry that I moved out because honestly, that is what you wanted and needed. I moved out not because I wanted to, but because I respect your needs for time and space for yourself. I am not sorry that I do not have a place where I can call home, but I am sorry that you felt that you needed the time and space.

I am sorry that I tried to reconcile with you for the past few months, but everything that I had done was seemingly not good enough. I am sorry that sometimes I would get mad, but I hope you will understand that I wasn’t mad at you, but I was mad at myself for my own failure to say the right thing nor do the right thing. Everything that came out from my mouth was inadequate and I just hope that things would be different.

Unfortunately, it is different.

I understand it when you told me, not too long ago, that things has changed, and even if we get back together, things would be different. I understand that, and I understand that completely. That is why I respect your decision and choice and initiated the break up. I was reluctant to do so, and it was a really difficult choice for me to make. I had gone through days without sleeping nor eating except drinking 10 cups of coffee per day, but I must put your well-being and your needs in the first place and give you what you really need.

And I hope, I seriously hope, that this decision of mine is not the biggest mistake of my life.

Fluffy is the victim among us. He has no idea what happened. All he knew was that I no longer stay with him anymore, and he doesn’t get to play with me like the way he used to. He doesn’t understand what we had gone through, but I guess hope he understands that I still love him a lot and he will remain as my son for the rest of my life. So I hope that you will tell him that I am extremely sorry for not being able to be there with him again. He means a lot to me, and I still love him, miss him, and care about him a lot. Please continue to kiss him for me every night and hug him for me whenever you can.

This will be the last time that I write to you. I am not even going tot send this in an e-mail or an actual letter because I know you don’t want to hear from me anymore, so I hope one day, one day, you will stumble upon this blog and read this blog entry to know how I feel about us.

Farewell, my love. I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish you happy and find someone worth of your love.

Yours Sincerely,
Adrian

 

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