The other day when I was talking to a friend on MSN, we talked about many things, including the meaning of life, politics, world cup, boyfriends and girlfriends, and death. Yes, our range of topic is a bit different, but the most memorable talk was the topic about parents and passed away loved ones. That reminded me of my father, and I had been thinking about him ever since that conversation.
Let me be clear on this: I did not try to forget about him, but I buried him in my heart for the past 6 years and think of him once in a while. I remember him very well, but I must move on with my life.
I never really wrote about it because I was ashame, and the guilt was in me after so many years. Until now, that is.
It was during one faithful night 6 years ago (coming to 7 years soon) in U.S. I was online working on some research and doing my assignment, and the technology last time was using dial-up modem (56Kbps! Bite that!) for internet connection. I had spent many hours working on it, and finally, after turning off the computer, I went straight to bed. And then, I received a phone call at 5 in the morning. I was grunting and was still in dream land, and I heard my eldest sister’s voice talking rapidly.
Sis: “Hey, can you come back now?”
ME: (still in dreamland) “What? Huh? Er… what?”
[I heard phone changing hand, and some noise in the background]
Mom: (in a hushed voice) “Son, I got something to tell you. Be calm first ok?”
ME: (coming out from dreamland quickly) “Huh? What is wrong? What happened?”
Mom: “Your father has been admitted to the hospital, and the doctor said its not so.. erm.. bright looking. Can you come back a.s.a.p.?”
ME: (fully awake at that moment) “Okay, no problem. Is he okay? What happened?”
Mom: “He fainted outside the office, and doctor said it was heart attack.”
ME: “How come? He just called me two days ago asking me if I got enough money, and he told me his medical report few months back was excellent.”
Mom: “We also don’t know. Just come back okay?”
ME: “Okay. I will make arrangement now.”
I was in bed, fully awake and my mind was racing at full throttle. I was making plans, and when the first sun light broke into view, I drove to campus and made an appointment with my main course counselor. I told him my need to go back, and he agreed upon it even though the midterm was just the week after. I then request help from him to break the news to my other lecturers and he agreed.
Then I went home to make phone calls for fligt ticket booking. That’s when I encountered the bad experience from MAS here. Anyway, I managed to get a travelling agent in California (my regular flight ticket agents) and the very-pleasant lady was helpful enough. Besides, I got the round-trip flight tickets (including the domestic connecting flights) for USD850 (compare to USD1700 economy class round-trip excluding domestic connecting flights by MAS). Besides, at a later stage when I was at LAX, EVA Airways was kind enough to upgrade me to Deluxe Seats for free (I think the travel agent lady inform EVA Airline or something, and Deluxe Seats is like Business Class).
Anyway, rushing back to campus to borrow their fax machine to fax my credit card info to the travel agent (because of security purposes), I was told that my lecturers were sending regards to me and wishing my father well. After sending the fax, I was told that the ticket will be couriered to me by FedEx and I will be getting the tickets by 12noon the next day (and consider that I faxed the info at 4pm) so I would get enough time to catch the domestic connecting flights.
Now that’s what I call Customer Service. Try to beat that, MAS.
It was a cool Friday night (during Winter season), and we headed out to the gym to play basketball. For me, I just wanted to vent out my frustrations and my anxiety was killing me. If I didn’t go out to play basketball, a very high energy game, I think I would have gone over the edge. After playing basketball for more than 3 hours, my friends and I headed for late dinner. It was late, but I wasn’t tired. I was on the bed, tossing and thinking.
Until 5am.
The phone rang again. I quickly picked it up, and I heard my mom’s voice.
Mom: “Son, be calm ok?”
ME: “What? Tell me.”
Mom: “Your father has just passed away.”
ME: “WHAT? How? Why? When?”
Mom: “He just passed away. We are at the hospital now. When are you coming back?”
ME: “My flight is at 2pm, and I will be reaching KLIA at 1:45pm on XX/XX/XX date.”
Mom: “Ok son. Come back soon and be safe ok?”
I hung up after that. No, I was trying to ask for more information, and I wanted to find out more. But I was too numb. I was so numb that I was just staring at the room ceiling, mind racing but without direction, and I didn’t even shed a tear. I was just too shocked.
Getting on the flight, and the long flight (including the transit time), I was just sitting there, and I didn’t feel asleep. It has been more than 40 hours but I was not feeling asleep. I was just so damn numb.
When I reached KLIA, I saw Mak (my sister’s then boyfriend but brother-in-law now) and my uncle and aunt awaiting me at the gate. They were holding a bottle of herbal tea (specially brewed by my mom for knowing that I didn’t sleep and afraid that I would fall asleep) for me, and I climbed into the car silently. Without ushering a word, I just stared at the scenary on the way back, while my relatives were asking me if I was fine and shit like that. I mean, I appreciate their kind gesture but I was in no mood to talk to anyone, except my mom.
And then, when I reached home and saw my mom, a drop of tear sprung from my eyes. That was the first drop of tears I shed after hearing the news, and soon after, the tears were like waterfall after hugging my mom and saw my father’s body in the coffin. My mom was one tough cookie. She didn’t cry after my father passed away, and she was managing a lot of things, like funeral, the ceremony, talking to the guests, and all that crap. But when I reached home, and when she saw me, both of us were crying.
He was just so peaceful-looking and it was so surreal. If no one told me about it, I would have thought he was just taking his afternoon nap.
And I wrote about the funeral here. I don’t want to repeat it because that would piss me off big time. I couldn’t sleep on the first night of my arrival, but the next day morning, I finally slept after staying awake for more than 50 hours, and slept I was. I slept for more than 20 hours and my mom didn’t even try to wake me up.
When I was a teenager, I used to misunderstand my father. I thought he was too strict on me and everything I did was wrong. I argued with him, and sometimes I would ignore him. My longest record for ignoring him was 3 months, and whenever he was talking to me, I would give him the standard respond of “Hmm” to acknowledge the question. And then, when I was around 17 or 18, I started to understand him, and we would talk. But after spending years of cold relationship, it would take time to warm up our relationship again. But time was the thing that we did not have. Upon graduation, I attended INTI College in Subang Jaya, and I moved out from the house since it was not practical to travel few hours per day to attend class. Soon after, I was already in the States to further my studies. At the end, I did not have the chance to get to know him.
After he passed away, sometimes during family talk, my sisters and mother would talk about him, and I found out a lot about him during these conversations, and I also found out that he actually has done a lot for me, without me knowing of course. I also found out different side of him, and the reason why he was so strict on me. Yet I blamed him during my younger days on his decision and I actually loathed him during those years. But when I started to know him, and wanted to be a good son to him, it was already too late.
Sometimes at night, I would think of him. Sometimes at night, I would dream of him. When Nicky, our faithful dog, passed away (here and here) this year, I couldn’t help but hope that my father has Nicky’s company in heaven.
Yes, I still miss you a lot, dad.
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