April 14th, 2004. That is the date that I will remember vividly, besides the many birthdays and stuff.
April 14th, 2004, at around 930pm @ Singapore. That’s when it happened. That’s when we met. That’s when it started.
I will remember this date for a long long time (of course, with the help of the Calendar utility) because for the first time, and hopefully not the last, that it meant something to me. It is a special date for me, far more special than my own birthday.
But I think I am the only one who think that this date meant something, that this date is special.
It doesn’t matter. What’s important to me, will remain important to me for as long as possible.
Coincidentally, not a few days after this date, I will be going to Singapore.
Ironic, isn’t it?
For this special anniversary issue, I will take an entry from my personal journal and post it up here. I know what you are going to say (yeah you, the funny eye person), but please bear with me, for the time being. At least allow me to have the rights to be sentimental during this very special time.
To you,
There is something that I always wanted to tell you.
I love you. I always do, since the first time I met you. No question about that, and no doubt about it.
I don’t know how to use beautiful words to craft the most beautiful sentence in the world, but my love is in the most true and sincere form from my heart. When you said you loved me, I believed you, without a single trace of doubt. But now, I doubt if your love towards me was ever real.
For all these years we had been together, I never once had the liberty to meet with your best friends. You told me stories about them, the meetings with them, and how they expressed their curiosity to meet me. But for all these years, I don’t even know how they look like. All I knew were their names and that’s about it. I didn’t even get the opportunity to meet with your family for all these years!
Am I that not good for you to show me off to your friends? Was I that no good since the very beginning? Were you that embarrassed to reveal your boyfriend to your friends? You might have your reasons, or excuses, but I showed you off to the world, to my best friends, normal friends, and even my family.
Despite all that, there is still no doubt from my side that I still love you. But I wonder if your love towards me was as real as you said, or as much as my love to you. Did you mean every word you say? Or was it something you knew that I wanted to hear, or that was something to cheer me up.
Even though I had to go through so many things in the past many months because of you, my feelings toward you did not change. But amazingly, you could switch-off just like that, and treating me as a complete stranger. You said there are possibilities in the future, but I wonder how we can be together again? Is it even remotely possible that we can be together again, just like last time?
Against my will, I have to say NO. I didn’t want to let go, for months, and cling on to anything that I had. I went through hell and back, just because I believed that what you did was for my own good. But now, I doubt that. I doubt that what you did was because you just don’t love me at all. You wanted out, so you use beautiful words to lead me to believe that there is still a possibility in the future.
Both of us know that it was the end. There is no more possibility. There is no more probability. It is the end of story.
For months, I hugged myself to sleep every night, shivering even without air-conditioner, because I felt so empty inside me. It was like I was all alone in the galaxy, and no matter how hard I tried to shout, no sound could ever come out from me. I was floating in the space, and no matter how many times I tried to swing myself to a shore, I was always floating aimlessly in the infinity.
I lost weight. I lost a lot of hair. My health deteriorate drastically, and my hands are constantly shaking. But I cannot blame you.
After going through so much, and meeting a person who is much more unfortunate than me, I finally woke up. I know it is not easy, but I must let go. I know it is difficult, but I must try. I know I will miss you, but you are no longer mine.
I read from somewhere that the truest form of love is to let go. I didn’t know I was capable of such act until I met you. I can suffer for years to come, but all I wanted is to see you happy. You were not happy when you were with me, so I hope you will find your happiness.
With Love,
Me.
There you have it. Think twice before you click the Enter for comments, because at this moment, I am still very fragile. Things are picking up, but it will take time for me to recover.
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