Rant & Raves

After the rough break-up, I have pretty much immerse myself with work, more work, and more work. I breath work, I sleep work, I eat work, and I do work. Most often than not, I will work until I am dead tired, fire up my browser to play some games on Facebook until I am completely exhausted, only then I pass out and fall asleep.

And I am still living the life of a nomad. It is not like I am not trying to change the situation, but it takes time, and it will take a lot of time and effort to find a place where I can call home. Besides, I am still sleeping just few hours a day.

Sometimes I would fire up my Macjournal and write down my thoughts, creating those very long journal about my feelings, my experience, my observations, or sometimes un-send letters like this.

Some examples of my personal journal entries which I extracted,

Today I went dinner alone again. I realized that I am more anti-social than ever.

or,

It’s not like I don’t have an opportunity. But I refuse to acknowledge these opportunities to meet new girls to move forward and advance.

or,

Today G introduced me a girl. She’s young, pretty, with silky long hair and slim body but great figure. She’s interested, but too bad I am not moved. I can’t be bother.

Yes, I skip meal most of the time. But when I do take dinner, for the sake of eating, I would go alone most of the time. No, its not like I don’t have friends, but I just don’t want to bother them with my own sorrow. They have their life, their families, their boyfriends/girlfriends to company, so I don’t want to steal their time. A lot of times they ask me to go out for dinner, I kindly and politely decline their offers. I would go to some restaurants, order my meal, and sit there, all alone by myself, and watch the people surrounding me.

Most often than not, these tables are filled with couples, family, or friends in group of 2 or 3. So I have free seating, meaning that after I ordered my food, I would walk around, find an empty spot and sit down. That’s it.

Sometimes I would go out, or rather, force myself to go out, for drinks with friends and then I do meet new people, especially girls. But I just can’t seem to bring myself up to the task for all these wooing and stuff. I just feel that it is a waste of time, energy and money. I am not young anymore, so its not like when I was a teenager with lots of energy and hormone overflow that I would spend hours and hours wooing a girl. Now, its more like “come as you are, come as you want, go if you want” kind of thing.

I am always exhausted, both mentally and physically, and I just realized my health has been going down hill rather quickly. Sometimes when I stand up after squatting down for a minute, I would feel dizzy and few times, I almost pass out. Yup, imagine a 6 feet tall guy with 73kg frame fall unconscious, that would be rather scary. But luckily I will always hold on to something, like hand rail, to steady myself and calm myself down to prevent falling down.

Sometimes friends will ask me how am I doing. I honestly don’t know how to answer them. I just feel that it is okay. I am okay.

I have headache most of the time. But I keep the pain inside me. My hands are shaking most of the time, but I try to conceal the shaking and the only person knowing about those shaking hands is me, up until now, that is. I drink more than 5 cups of coffee per day, and I hardly sleep. But I am not telling anyone, not only because I don’t want to bother other people, also because I don’t know how to express it out.

Sometimes I think that even if I were to live until 50 years old without a companion, I would be fine too. If that means I am not getting “any” until I am 50 years old, that is okay too. It’s not like I am very interested at this very moment. Right now I just want to regain my life. Right now I just want to find myself. Right now I just want to have my own sense of direction. Right now, I just want to be myself. I just don’t have the energy and time to think of other things.

Lately when I don’t get to see Fluffy my beloved Shih Tzu during the weekend, I felt okay too. Okay in the sense that I still feel sad, but it doesn’t hurt so much anymore because I realized that sooner or later, I will have to accept the fact that he is no longer my son and I can’t be with him for the rest of his life. I have to let go.

Letting go I am.

I am letting go of the precious few years we had together. I am letting go of her. I am letting go of Fluffy. I am letting go of myself. Now I don’t think about it, or rather, don’t want to think about it. The thoughts still fill my head once in a while, but I force them out and just keep my mind blank.

Zombie, I heard you say. That’s right. I am living the life of a walking zombie.

I might not be good at anything, and I might not know anything. But there is one thing I know, and that is I do have plans. In a few months time, I will purchase a SLR digital camera, and I will start planning to travel again. My travel agenda is not to big cities, but rather, some remote areas or some small villages. If I have to go alone, so be it.

Anyway, if you have time, please read this. It is some interesting articles that I found, and it is in Mandarin.