Rant & Raves

Dear Maria,

This sounds funny. I am still not used to call you by your names since the day we started our relationship. We are used to call each other by the nicknames we got for each other for the past 4 years. But since things had changed, so abruptly and suddenly, I guess both of us have to start to get used to call each other by our real names.

That’s funny, isn’t it? Just like how we started, and how we ended.

Yes, I still remember the white-and-black polka dot spaghetti tube top and the black pants that you were wearing on the first night we met in China Jump. I still remember the wine that you were drinking. I still remember the DJ was spinning Kelly Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”. I still remember how I was just standing there, eyes wide opened, looking at you, and how your crystal clear big eyes shinning back at me like a twilight in the darkest night, piercing right into my soul.

I still remember how my knee grew weak when you came over, patted me on the shoulder, and smiled at me while you were introducing yourself and your friend, Sharon, to my ex-colleagues and me. I remember how stupid I was when I was asking for the napkins from the bartender to ask you for your number. I still remember how you teased me by ignoring me for a moment, and then gave me some warmness the next. I still remember how reluctant I was when it was time to say our goodbyes for that night, and how disappointed I was when you didn’t want to give me your mobile number (but you did give me your business card).

I still remember how happy I was for our next meeting, a Friday night, 2 days after our first encounter. I still remember how anxious I felt when I was jumping into the MRT to rush to our meeting locations with my ex-colleagues and your friends. I still remember how we hold our hands, for the very first time, when we were just walking down the river, looking up into the clear cloudless night sky, and looking at the Raffles Hotel. I still remember how clumsy I was when I didn’t know how to save my phone number into your LG phone. I still remember we went to the ultra late supper and our reluctance to say our goodbyes when you needed to go home. I remember how I contemplated to give you a good night kiss but resolved to just a hug because I felt inappropriate, and how you were expecting me to give you a kiss for the night.

Then, I also remember the sadness and torture of being apart when I came back to Malaysia. We used to talk day and night on MSN, and sometimes I would stay back in the office late at night just so we could chat on MSN.

I still remember the day you came to Kuala Lumpur for your business trip. I rushed to the hotel, basically breaking all the traffic law available because I didn’t want to be late. And after that, we went off for dinner, holding hands, and how excited I was until I almost ran into a light pole, and how you laughed at my silliness. Then how we walked to the Starbucks, to sit down and talked. Yes, I still remember the very first night we spent together at that hotel.

Yes, our relationship started, and blossomed quickly into something special to both of us. Of all my previous relationships and the girls that I know, no one is as special as you are, and I was so happy that I took up that job at that company because they were the one who sent me to Singapore for training, and that’s when I met you. Of course, that company suck but I am still grateful that I worked there, hence got the opportunity to meet you.

Then our very first holiday together to Phuket, Thailand. It was so romantic, so sweet, so nice, and I still remember every bit of details and sometimes I read back the travel journal on the journal book that we bought in Phuket. Sometimes I will even fire up the Phuket folder on my laptop just to look at the pictures that we took. Unfortunately, both of us are not picture person so we seldom take pictures of ourselves. But the scenery, the images, they all bring back the sweet memories to me, even until today.

Of course I also remember the happiness when you decided to move to Kuala Lumpur, and the sense of urgency for me to find a place for both of us to stay. After sourcing, scouting, calling, viewing, I decided a few places and took you for viewing when you came here again for business trip. Yes, I wanted to build a love nest, a life, together with you. That time you didn’t want us to live together and you actually wanted to live alone. I didn’t like that idea. But sooner or later, you finally allowed me to move in together with you.

Maybe that was the biggest mistake that both of us had ever made.

I remember the day when we went to SS2 to withdraw money from the ATM, and how we saw Fluffy in the tank. I remember how you rushed to take a look and how you felt in love with him that instant. I also remember how reluctant it was for you to let go. I still remember we went over to the bank to withdraw the money to buy him. I even created a 3-of-us category to write about our lives together because I see both of you are something truly magnificent and special in my life; you as my wife, and Fluffy as our son.

I remember how we trained Fluffy to become what he is today. I remember the happiness and joy we had when we got him, and the joy and happiness after. I remember how happy you were when we decided to buy him, and how happy you were when Fluffy fell in love with you. I remember how happy I was when I saw that both of you being so happy, and I remember how contended I was, the joy swelling in my heart, and how I thought to myself, “Oh yes, this is the kind of life I have been seeking and this is really something I want.”

I still remember the happiness that you brought me, all the vacations that we went, and the support that you had given me all these years, be it financially, emotionally, and the carnal pleasures that we had all these years.

I never forget.

I am sorry how everything turned out for both of us. None of us, or at least me, don’t want this to happen. Both of us don’t want this relationship to end this way. I know that I am the one who called this relationship off, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do, but seemingly the only choice I had for the situation, and I think that is the best thing for me to do, for you.

I am sorry that I imagined our wedding dinner, with the lights dim, “Canon in D” playing while we walk into the room, and all eyes are on us, smiling, clapping, and cheering for us. All of our close friends and relatives are there to congratulate us, to wish us happiness, to wish us a long lasting love. But I am more sorry that this will not happen anymore.

I am sorry that I insisted on seeing things my way. But I am more sorry that you totally refuse to even open your eyes to see why there are certain things that I disagree with you. There are more than thousands of people using supplementary line and they had no problem claiming the bill to their company, so why must you insist that the number MUST be under your name? I am most sorry that I didn’t see it clearly that you wanted the phone line to be separated, but if that’s your intention, please don’t give me lame excuse because I am not an idiot and your so-called reason was weak, and that’s why I had to tell you why it is otherwise. Of course, I am so sorry that you continue using that reason to get the Ownership Transfer. Now that I had signed it, the phone line is completely yours and I hope that you will be happy. I am sorry that there’s no more link between us. I had move out, what else are there to link us?

I am sorry for making you so unhappy for the past one year. I regretted a lot of choices that I had made but I just hope that you would understand why I decided to do those things that I have done. I was trying to make things better for both of us. I was trying to make you happy. But it all turned out the complete opposite than what I had intended, and I am so sorry for that.

I am sorry that you feel you can have better time alone, even if you are out and about, shopping, or just sitting at Starbucks, without my companionship. I know that’s how you feel, because I was constantly not invited to any of your outings, and it was obvious that you don’t feel comfortable when I am around. I know you feel unhappy and stress when I am around you. I am so sorry for making that kind of effects on you that you no longer feel comfortable and happy with me around you.

I am sorry that you don’t see that your requirement for time and space has caused all these. I am not sorry that you wanted the time and space, but I am very sorry that you don’t see that your insistence on the time and space to yourself is not the only solution to the problems.

I am most sorry about that you refuse the even try to use other methods to solve the problems, the methods that I suggested many times over the past few months.

I am so sorry for suggesting that we should work together as a team to resolve any difficulties that we are facing. But I am most sorry that you think it is better if we do not work as a team and resolve our problems ourselves, separately.

I am sorry that I can no longer be there for you, to pamper you, to care for you, to spoil you, to love you, to hug you, to support you, to kiss you, to company you, and to love you. Even after calling the relationship off, I still think about you day and night, worry about your well-beings, praying for you that things will turn out to be great for you and that you will be happy for the rest of you life. I pray that you will find someone better than what I am, someone worthy, someone who will love you very much and take good care of you.

I am not sorry that I had to go through the physical and mental torture for the past 3 months. I am not sorry that I moved out because honestly, that is what you wanted and needed. I moved out not because I wanted to, but because I respect your needs for time and space for yourself. I am not sorry that I do not have a place where I can call home, but I am sorry that you felt that you needed the time and space.

I am sorry that I tried to reconcile with you for the past few months, but everything that I had done was seemingly not good enough. I am sorry that sometimes I would get mad, but I hope you will understand that I wasn’t mad at you, but I was mad at myself for my own failure to say the right thing nor do the right thing. Everything that came out from my mouth was inadequate and I just hope that things would be different.

Unfortunately, it is different.

I understand it when you told me, not too long ago, that things has changed, and even if we get back together, things would be different. I understand that, and I understand that completely. That is why I respect your decision and choice and initiated the break up. I was reluctant to do so, and it was a really difficult choice for me to make. I had gone through days without sleeping nor eating except drinking 10 cups of coffee per day, but I must put your well-being and your needs in the first place and give you what you really need.

And I hope, I seriously hope, that this decision of mine is not the biggest mistake of my life.

Fluffy is the victim among us. He has no idea what happened. All he knew was that I no longer stay with him anymore, and he doesn’t get to play with me like the way he used to. He doesn’t understand what we had gone through, but I guess hope he understands that I still love him a lot and he will remain as my son for the rest of my life. So I hope that you will tell him that I am extremely sorry for not being able to be there with him again. He means a lot to me, and I still love him, miss him, and care about him a lot. Please continue to kiss him for me every night and hug him for me whenever you can.

This will be the last time that I write to you. I am not even going tot send this in an e-mail or an actual letter because I know you don’t want to hear from me anymore, so I hope one day, one day, you will stumble upon this blog and read this blog entry to know how I feel about us.

Farewell, my love. I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish you happy and find someone worth of your love.

Yours Sincerely,
Adrian