According to Wikipedia, clinical depression is as explained as below (rephrased):-
Clinical depression (also called major-depressive disorder or unipolar depression) is a common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a persistent lowering of mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure. Clinical depression is a serious illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts that cannot simply be willed or wished away. It is often a disabling disease that affects a person’s work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, general health and ability to enjoy life. The course of clinical depression varies widely: depression can be a once in a life-time event or have multiple recurrences, it can appear either gradually or suddenly, and either last for few months or be a life-long disorder. Having depression is a major risk factor for suicide; in addition, people with depression suffer from higher mortality from other causes.
NOTE: For more information, please click here.
You might be wondering; why is this guy writing about clinical depression? What does he know about clinical depression?
I was once diagnosed with clinical depression.
It was many years ago when I was still in the States, during my university days. My father passed away, and money was really tight, and I was facing tremendous pressure to pay the expensive tuition fee, the books, and my own living expenses. My fucked up relatives, who owed my father big sum of money, couldn’t be bother to return those money to my mom so she could support me. So I was left all alone.
And then, during that period of time, I also found out that my ex was actually cheating on me while I was struggling in the States. She was sleeping with her colleague and I found out, by accident and ironically, on her birthday.
During that period of time, I worked few jobs a day, illegally, to sustain my life. I had to work from noon til wee hour in the morning, grab only 2 to 3 hours of sleep, and then rushed to the classroom for the lectures. Money was difficult, and the Malaysia economy crisis during 1997 didn’t help a bit. So I was constantly struggling, worrying about this and that, and I was in constant fear that I would get caught and be deported from the States for working illegally.
Then there were many other things to worry about, like exams, projects, my living conditions, and etc. So I was not well. I lost like 15 kgs in 2 months, lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, no appetite, and became weird. I thought about suicide all the time, and my friend dragged me to see a doctor. Only then I found out I had clinical depression, a serious one (or sometimes refer to as Major Clinical Depression).
Unfortunately, the prescription drug was expensive (for me, at least, as I was working my ass off from few low paid jobs) so I bought the drugs, but never renewed the prescription, and I didn’t take the drugs as often as the doctor recommended because I was trying to save the money. I worked hard, mentally, to think positive. It was really difficult, but I overcame it after years of struggling.
Often, people see me and they thought, “Oh such a happy person!” but they had no idea the dark clouds in me.
So why am I writing about the past clinical depression period that I experienced?
Because I am lapsing back into clinical depression now, and I don’t need a doctor to discover the signs.
I have lost 10 kgs in 1 month time. More often than not, right after I ate my meal, I had this urge to vomit out the food. It is not intentional, and I had tried to control the puking but failed, and most time than not, I would puke out the complete meal, even the soup. My body has been rejecting the food that I consumed, and there is no way I can stop it, nor help it.
Sometimes I went without eating anything but surviving on instant coffee alone for 2 days. I couldn’t help it when I just won’t feel hungry. But sometimes when I eat, I could 3 set meals at McDonald’s and still didn’t feel full at all.
And then, I lost interest in many things. I am afraid to meet new people now, and I am also afraid to meet old friends. Then I have lost energy in many things and became lethargic most of the time. I couldn’t sleep even when I was dead tired, and when I sleep, I could often sleep for hours and hours, refusing to wake up.
I like to hole up in a room, dark most of the time, and sit there and do nothing for hours. Just sitting there, thinking about nothingness, but one thought that constantly plague my mind; suicide.
Sometimes when I was sitting in front of the laptop, I would open TextEdit and started typing my Farewell Notes to my friends and family. Sometimes without realizing what I have done, I saved the file and printed it out, sealed in an envelope and leave the envelope at a highly visible place.
Sometimes I would draft out a suicide plan, thinking how my death could benefit my family members. Oh, I had to be careful because I certainly cannot let the insurance guy to get a hint of this plan or else all the insurance money will be wasted, and my mom won’t be getting anything. Yup, I thought about it and I have an actual plan in hand. I have the time and dated printed out, and a very detail way to end my own life.
Sometimes when I do go to a shopping mall, I would peek down from the top floor, imagine how happy it would be if I just take the leap, falling into the abyss and be free of myself. I could imagine that if I take the plunge, the wind blowing through my hair would also blow away all the worries and things that had been haunting me. The wind brushing my body could make me feel weightless and would wash away all the sadness so I can be happy, finally. I can even imagine that when I am falling, I would smile and wave to the watching crowd.
Look at the information bar below. All the signs and symptoms fit what I had experienced for the past 6 months.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I caught myself and stopped myself from jumping over the edge.
I am trying to overcome this problem by myself. But people like me should remain single and alone because clinical depression might pass on to the offsprings, and I don’t want my future children to experience depression.
Seems like clinical depression is the new order of my life, and I cannot escape it again. Doctors and psychiatrists believe that if a person is experiencing reoccurrence clinical depression, that person might experience it for the rest of his life, all the time…
To find out if you have clinical depression, please see the signs and symptoms as described below:-
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Loss of appetite and/or weight loss, or conversely overeating and weight gain
- Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Restlessness or irritability
- Feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Thoughts of death or suicide or attempts at suicide
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
- Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down” or sluggish
- Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
Source: from Wikipedia here
I read your post and i felt this lump in the pit of my stomach. I know exactly how you feel dude cos i went thru the eaxct thing when i first started my course…money problems, family issues, relationship goin bad. But i am not going to talk about that
Nobody can understand how you feel unless they’ve gone thru the exact thing so i can understand your frustration. People around you…friends and family…might just dismiss it as you being a quitter and wanting to take the easy way out…but we both know that’s just not it. It is such a struggle
But dude i would highly reccomend that you see a psychiatrist and start yourself on medication. You might not see it now and you might think that NOTHING could possibly make you better. But it really does work
I don’t know if you know but i am actually specializing in psychiatry and i sit with my psychiatrist in teh clinic daily to see patients…and i have actually noticed first hand the improvement in these patients.
I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy…it will be a struggle cos the meds do take time to work (about 2 weeks to a month) and of course there are the side effects to cope with…but with the newer drugs like Prozac these side effects are minimal (nausea and vomiting).
You might not be able to see things clearly now cos you’re in the depression ‘haze’ and you think it is just too difficult to live with this unbearable sadness and emptiness. But at least start yourslef on the meds and then make up your mind.
Please feel free to contact me via my email anytime if you want to talk or ask me any questions about psychiatry or medications
P/S : It was probably faith that led me to your blog
Sabrina, thanks for the understanding. A lot of people can’t even comprehend what we have gone through and the kind of mental torture that we have to go through. Glad I have found an audience here that understand the way I feel.
Been through it and worked it out myself. I used to take Prozac too but I try not to rely too much on drugs. But I certainly need sleeping pills to make me sleep. I have not been sleeping for the past 3 days.
You know i understand the whole spychology behind not wanting to take drugs or rely on them too much. We feel it’s a sign of weakness and that by taking it we are sorta giving up and admitting we need to depend on it. And once we ‘admit’ we need the drug, we are then acknowledging that we do indeed have the disease, and that’s a lot harder to deal with.
The sad fact is, the antidepressants are just like antihypertensives…if you don’t take it you will get a heart attack or a stroke. In the same way, if you don’t take your antiD, it could lead to a further debilitating state which will affect your family and work life or worse still, a psychotic attack.
I’m sorry to have to paint such a bleak picture but sometimes it’s just necessary. Please know that this is coming from a good place and no malice is intended
You can try St John’s Wart (from a reputed brand) if you don’t wan to rely too much on pharmaceuticals. But if after a few months (herbals take a lot longer to work) you still don’t see any improvement, then i would again encourage you to start proper medication
Thanks Sabrina. Its less about the psychological reasoning but more on the fact that I need to keep my mind sharp most of the time to deal with daily life decisions. I understand the risk of having depression because, well, been there, done it, and I know this is coming as a good advice, so far the best I have got, so no worries, I know there’s no malice intended.
Thanks for the recommendation. I will certainly try to find St. John’s Wart and find out more information about it. But I certainly need more sleep as for this week alone, I have been sleeping less than 12 hours in total.
I do agree with what Sabrina had mentioned. Many years ago, there came a time in my life when I just gave up on people. I had to deal with family tradegy and I found many people who I thought were my friends had let me down. So I retreated into my shell. That was until 2 of my friends pulled me back. One of them, in a very stern voice told me “who are you avoiding and running away from? Others or yourself?” Slowly, I learned to mix back, and I volunteered my time in non profit organisations. When I helped others, I realised everyone, no matter how bad, have a sorrow life story. And that changed the way I view and live life totally. It’s important to have other distractions to take away our focus on our own unhappiness.
Yin Teing, thanks for the encouragement. I have been trying to do that as well. I mean, I am learning to mix with people again, and I have been doing volunteer work for animal shelter. It helps, but it will take time. Hopefully I will regain all my strength to face all these challenges again.