Archive for January, 2008

30
Jan

Older and Wiser?

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: about me

For those who know, and for those who don’t, I have just turned 32 not long ago.

For the 32nd birthday, it was a mixed feeling. A lot of people remembered to send me wishes on SMS, and some even called me, and I was surprised that so many people knew, and I was also surprised that I didn’t expect some of them to remember. And then there are some close friends who forgot.

No, I am not complaining. Birthday, at least mine, is insignificant to me. It is just another day of the year, and the only difference is that I am getting older. But heck, don’t we all get older by the day? It is just a way to mark where you have been and where you are at the different stage of your life. So for me, it was just a way to mark that I had just turned 32, that’s it. No big deal.

Anyway, for those who had sent me the wishes, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you sincerely.

Did I celebrate it? Throw a bash or something? No. It was just a simple dinner, a day spent with my beloved Fluffy, and that’s about it. Nothing fancy, nothing luxurious, nothing special.

Am I one day wiser? (Or some would ask if I am one year wiser)

I have no idea. I would love to be one day wiser, or one year wiser. But I can’t say for sure since there is no gauge to measure how wise a person is, and I certainly don’t wish to be measured. If I am not one day wiser, I will be okay. But if I am one day less wiser, I will be very depressed.

But looking back at the last 32 years of my life, I would say there are certain achievement, but there are more failure. Yes, people might think that I am a failure, but look at it this way; those people who think that more failure than achievement, by quantity count, is a loser is a loser themselves. No one can achieve more than failure.

Sometimes, one achievement is all it takes to make a huge difference, and that one achievement can out-weight all the failure combined in his/her lifetime.

Colonel Sanders has created a fried chicken recipe at the old age after he closed down his fried chicken business since there was a major highway being built that would bypass his small town, and he foresaw that the amount of customers would drop drastically. So he folded his restaurant and he approached hundreds and hundreds of potential investors to support his business, to open his restaurant across America. All but the last one turned him down. Now, look at it this way; how many people who has read this blog can swear to God that he/she has never tried the 11 secret herb fried chicken recipe by Colonel Sanders?

By the way, Colonel Sanders is the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, or more commonly known as KFC.

Did he give up after being turned down more than a hundred times? Nope, and he continued working on it, getting things done, and approach new potential investors. So now, please look at KFC. It has operation in more than 80 countries, and making billions each year, and served more than millions upon millions of people in this world.

How about Robert T. Kiyosaki? He has created many businesses, and all of them failed. Did he give up? The answer is NO. He worked on new business models, tried to create more opportunities for himself, and look at him now, he is worth hundreds of millions, US Dollar (some would say the range of 100 to 200 million USD, some said more) and even partner with Donald Trump, one of the richest man in the world, to co-write a book. By the way, Robert T. Kiyosaki is the author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and also the founder of CASHFLOW Technologies Inc, the company behind Rich Dad’s Corporation.

And for those who think that having more failure in life than achievement (by quantity) is a loser, do you think you would give up after being turned down by 100 potential investors? Or how about giving up after your 3rd business attempts failed miserably and lost millions? If you do so, then you are not getting anywhere.

Failure is not a measurement on how successful a person is. Failure should be used for learning; learning why a person failed, learning how to approach the task differently, and most importantly, learning to be successful.

Failure is just a blocking stone to slow you down to achieve what you want in life. If you are faced with a failure, all you have to do is conjure up the courage, sharpen your mind, and face the failure to learn from it so that you can advance forward.

Now, before I go overboard with this blog, let’s just say this is my observation and it doesn’t mean that my business has gone belly up. This is only a reference in life, be it business, carrier, relationship, friendship, or anything.

29
Jan

Genting Trip

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: about me, observation and rants and raves

The other day I woke up at 535am. I had no idea why I woke up so early, but I couldn’t fall back to sleep to catch up with the sleep debt I am in. For the past many years, I have been sleeping less than 4 hours on daily basis, so I was deprive but there was nothing I could do about the situation.

So I washed up, went to McDonald’s for breakfast (yup, they are now open 24 hours a day, just in case you don’t know). Order a McMuffin Meal with coffee, and then enjoy the breakfast while I was reading the newspaper. Interesting news, but I am not going to write about those news because that will be out of topic.

After finishing the breakfast, I was bored to death. Then I decided to start the car and started my journey to Genting Highland, ALONE.

Yup, you read that right. I just went to Genting Highland.

All…..

by …..

myself…..

Genting

Nope, I am not a gambler. I mean, I gamble once in a while, especially during Chinese New Year. But going to casino for gambling is not exactly my thing. There are too many unknown variable and it depends too much on luck itself, so I just don’t really enjoy it.

But I gamble on other things, like starting a business. But that’s a different kind of gambling and I will write about it some other time (if I feel like writing about it).

So why did I go to Genting? Let’s just say that for the past few months, the only entertainment or fun I had were visiting customers. Sometimes I watched some movies on my laptop. Most of the time, I was surrounded by 4 walls and played some games on Facebook or reply comments on my blog. So I just feel like taking a breather and go somewhere, be spontaneous. So I went.

On the way to Genting, I saw that other cars were mostly packed with people, and I was the only car (at that moment) that didn’t have any passenger. Nice….

Scenery from genting

Of course, after reaching First World Hotel, my first stop is, naturally, Starbucks. Yup, enjoy a cuppa black coffee while observing and watching people.

I got some bad service from the staff of Genting Starbucks. When I ordered my coffee, the guy asked me, “with milk?” I answered him, “Yes, please leave room for milk.”

He then asked me, “So would you like caramel latte or mocha?”

I looked at him, and I said, “Black. Coffee.”

He said, “Oh okay.”

Niamah! Work at Starbucks and don’t understand simple English as “Black coffee with room for milk?”

Anyway, once I settle down onto a nice spot that has good view to the patrons, I started looking left and right for something interesting to see.

I noticed there were a few customers that looked disgruntled and haggard. They looked like they haven’t been sleeping for whole night. Oily face, messy hair, watery eyes, pale face, and appeared sleepy. Most probably some gamblers spending the whole night gambling and lost.

Then there was this one guy, haggard, but happy. Another gambler that has been gambling for whole night but won some money, I guessed.

But mostly, there were a lot of young people, sitting in groups with luggage besides them. Most likely siblings, just checked out from the hotel and waiting for their parents to be done from the casino, I thought.

Then there were some expatriates, wearing their business attire, attending their English muffins and coffee. Maybe they had a function at the convention center, or they are some suppliers to the Genting management, I thought.

After watching the people and drinking my coffee for 3 hours (yup, my coffee turned very cold at the end), I decided to watch the people inside the casino.

Woah! More disgruntled and haggard people. The reason why I said they had spent the whole night gambling was because by the time I reached Genting in the morning, it was barely 8am. And a lot of them were watching the table with full attention, thinking really hard on which number to buy, and how much to bet. I walked around, stood at some tables for a while, and decided that I don’t really understand the game. Like 3 Cards Poker. How about 3 Kings? Nope, don’t really understand them. So I continued walking, and saw the slot machine. Hmm.. a lot of people sitting there, hitting the “Reel” buttons, and looking at the screens.

Then I thought, “While I am at it, why not?”

So I took out 1 Ringgit (that’s about USD 0.29), feed it into the slot machine feeder.

The machine spat out my 1 Ringgit.

I tried again, and it spat my money out again.

Then I read the fine print on the machine. Apparently they only accept 10 Ringgit minimum.

Niamah!

So I put in 10 Ringgit, tried a few times, and lost it all.

Niamah! Now Genting is 10 Ringgit richer.

starbucks @ genting

Right about noon time, I took off from Genting and went home.

Yup, that’s my life.

26
Jan

The Letter

By Adrian 4 Comments
Categories: heart break

Dear Maria,

This sounds funny. I am still not used to call you by your names since the day we started our relationship. We are used to call each other by the nicknames we got for each other for the past 4 years. But since things had changed, so abruptly and suddenly, I guess both of us have to start to get used to call each other by our real names.

That’s funny, isn’t it? Just like how we started, and how we ended.

Yes, I still remember the white-and-black polka dot spaghetti tube top and the black pants that you were wearing on the first night we met in China Jump. I still remember the wine that you were drinking. I still remember the DJ was spinning Kelly Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”. I still remember how I was just standing there, eyes wide opened, looking at you, and how your crystal clear big eyes shinning back at me like a twilight in the darkest night, piercing right into my soul.

I still remember how my knee grew weak when you came over, patted me on the shoulder, and smiled at me while you were introducing yourself and your friend, Sharon, to my ex-colleagues and me. I remember how stupid I was when I was asking for the napkins from the bartender to ask you for your number. I still remember how you teased me by ignoring me for a moment, and then gave me some warmness the next. I still remember how reluctant I was when it was time to say our goodbyes for that night, and how disappointed I was when you didn’t want to give me your mobile number (but you did give me your business card).

I still remember how happy I was for our next meeting, a Friday night, 2 days after our first encounter. I still remember how anxious I felt when I was jumping into the MRT to rush to our meeting locations with my ex-colleagues and your friends. I still remember how we hold our hands, for the very first time, when we were just walking down the river, looking up into the clear cloudless night sky, and looking at the Raffles Hotel. I still remember how clumsy I was when I didn’t know how to save my phone number into your LG phone. I still remember we went to the ultra late supper and our reluctance to say our goodbyes when you needed to go home. I remember how I contemplated to give you a good night kiss but resolved to just a hug because I felt inappropriate, and how you were expecting me to give you a kiss for the night.

Then, I also remember the sadness and torture of being apart when I came back to Malaysia. We used to talk day and night on MSN, and sometimes I would stay back in the office late at night just so we could chat on MSN.

I still remember the day you came to Kuala Lumpur for your business trip. I rushed to the hotel, basically breaking all the traffic law available because I didn’t want to be late. And after that, we went off for dinner, holding hands, and how excited I was until I almost ran into a light pole, and how you laughed at my silliness. Then how we walked to the Starbucks, to sit down and talked. Yes, I still remember the very first night we spent together at that hotel.

Yes, our relationship started, and blossomed quickly into something special to both of us. Of all my previous relationships and the girls that I know, no one is as special as you are, and I was so happy that I took up that job at that company because they were the one who sent me to Singapore for training, and that’s when I met you. Of course, that company suck but I am still grateful that I worked there, hence got the opportunity to meet you.

Then our very first holiday together to Phuket, Thailand. It was so romantic, so sweet, so nice, and I still remember every bit of details and sometimes I read back the travel journal on the journal book that we bought in Phuket. Sometimes I will even fire up the Phuket folder on my laptop just to look at the pictures that we took. Unfortunately, both of us are not picture person so we seldom take pictures of ourselves. But the scenery, the images, they all bring back the sweet memories to me, even until today.

Of course I also remember the happiness when you decided to move to Kuala Lumpur, and the sense of urgency for me to find a place for both of us to stay. After sourcing, scouting, calling, viewing, I decided a few places and took you for viewing when you came here again for business trip. Yes, I wanted to build a love nest, a life, together with you. That time you didn’t want us to live together and you actually wanted to live alone. I didn’t like that idea. But sooner or later, you finally allowed me to move in together with you.

Maybe that was the biggest mistake that both of us had ever made.

I remember the day when we went to SS2 to withdraw money from the ATM, and how we saw Fluffy in the tank. I remember how you rushed to take a look and how you felt in love with him that instant. I also remember how reluctant it was for you to let go. I still remember we went over to the bank to withdraw the money to buy him. I even created a 3-of-us category to write about our lives together because I see both of you are something truly magnificent and special in my life; you as my wife, and Fluffy as our son.

I remember how we trained Fluffy to become what he is today. I remember the happiness and joy we had when we got him, and the joy and happiness after. I remember how happy you were when we decided to buy him, and how happy you were when Fluffy fell in love with you. I remember how happy I was when I saw that both of you being so happy, and I remember how contended I was, the joy swelling in my heart, and how I thought to myself, “Oh yes, this is the kind of life I have been seeking and this is really something I want.”

I still remember the happiness that you brought me, all the vacations that we went, and the support that you had given me all these years, be it financially, emotionally, and the carnal pleasures that we had all these years.

I never forget.

I am sorry how everything turned out for both of us. None of us, or at least me, don’t want this to happen. Both of us don’t want this relationship to end this way. I know that I am the one who called this relationship off, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do, but seemingly the only choice I had for the situation, and I think that is the best thing for me to do, for you.

I am sorry that I imagined our wedding dinner, with the lights dim, “Canon in D” playing while we walk into the room, and all eyes are on us, smiling, clapping, and cheering for us. All of our close friends and relatives are there to congratulate us, to wish us happiness, to wish us a long lasting love. But I am more sorry that this will not happen anymore.

I am sorry that I insisted on seeing things my way. But I am more sorry that you totally refuse to even open your eyes to see why there are certain things that I disagree with you. There are more than thousands of people using supplementary line and they had no problem claiming the bill to their company, so why must you insist that the number MUST be under your name? I am most sorry that I didn’t see it clearly that you wanted the phone line to be separated, but if that’s your intention, please don’t give me lame excuse because I am not an idiot and your so-called reason was weak, and that’s why I had to tell you why it is otherwise. Of course, I am so sorry that you continue using that reason to get the Ownership Transfer. Now that I had signed it, the phone line is completely yours and I hope that you will be happy. I am sorry that there’s no more link between us. I had move out, what else are there to link us?

I am sorry for making you so unhappy for the past one year. I regretted a lot of choices that I had made but I just hope that you would understand why I decided to do those things that I have done. I was trying to make things better for both of us. I was trying to make you happy. But it all turned out the complete opposite than what I had intended, and I am so sorry for that.

I am sorry that you feel you can have better time alone, even if you are out and about, shopping, or just sitting at Starbucks, without my companionship. I know that’s how you feel, because I was constantly not invited to any of your outings, and it was obvious that you don’t feel comfortable when I am around. I know you feel unhappy and stress when I am around you. I am so sorry for making that kind of effects on you that you no longer feel comfortable and happy with me around you.

I am sorry that you don’t see that your requirement for time and space has caused all these. I am not sorry that you wanted the time and space, but I am very sorry that you don’t see that your insistence on the time and space to yourself is not the only solution to the problems.

I am most sorry about that you refuse the even try to use other methods to solve the problems, the methods that I suggested many times over the past few months.

I am so sorry for suggesting that we should work together as a team to resolve any difficulties that we are facing. But I am most sorry that you think it is better if we do not work as a team and resolve our problems ourselves, separately.

I am sorry that I can no longer be there for you, to pamper you, to care for you, to spoil you, to love you, to hug you, to support you, to kiss you, to company you, and to love you. Even after calling the relationship off, I still think about you day and night, worry about your well-beings, praying for you that things will turn out to be great for you and that you will be happy for the rest of you life. I pray that you will find someone better than what I am, someone worthy, someone who will love you very much and take good care of you.

I am not sorry that I had to go through the physical and mental torture for the past 3 months. I am not sorry that I moved out because honestly, that is what you wanted and needed. I moved out not because I wanted to, but because I respect your needs for time and space for yourself. I am not sorry that I do not have a place where I can call home, but I am sorry that you felt that you needed the time and space.

I am sorry that I tried to reconcile with you for the past few months, but everything that I had done was seemingly not good enough. I am sorry that sometimes I would get mad, but I hope you will understand that I wasn’t mad at you, but I was mad at myself for my own failure to say the right thing nor do the right thing. Everything that came out from my mouth was inadequate and I just hope that things would be different.

Unfortunately, it is different.

I understand it when you told me, not too long ago, that things has changed, and even if we get back together, things would be different. I understand that, and I understand that completely. That is why I respect your decision and choice and initiated the break up. I was reluctant to do so, and it was a really difficult choice for me to make. I had gone through days without sleeping nor eating except drinking 10 cups of coffee per day, but I must put your well-being and your needs in the first place and give you what you really need.

And I hope, I seriously hope, that this decision of mine is not the biggest mistake of my life.

Fluffy is the victim among us. He has no idea what happened. All he knew was that I no longer stay with him anymore, and he doesn’t get to play with me like the way he used to. He doesn’t understand what we had gone through, but I guess hope he understands that I still love him a lot and he will remain as my son for the rest of my life. So I hope that you will tell him that I am extremely sorry for not being able to be there with him again. He means a lot to me, and I still love him, miss him, and care about him a lot. Please continue to kiss him for me every night and hug him for me whenever you can.

This will be the last time that I write to you. I am not even going tot send this in an e-mail or an actual letter because I know you don’t want to hear from me anymore, so I hope one day, one day, you will stumble upon this blog and read this blog entry to know how I feel about us.

Farewell, my love. I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish you happy and find someone worth of your love.

Yours Sincerely,
Adrian

25
Jan

Will you promise to love, honor, and trust him/her…

By Adrian 4 Comments
Categories: observation and rants and raves

When you attend a Western wedding ceremony, or in a movie, you would normally hear the priest asking the groom/bride this during a wedding ceremony, “Do you _________, take __________ as your legally married husband/wife, and promise to love, honor, and trust her/him in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to her/him so long as you both shall live?”

Ok, I will take the liberty to stress on two points.

Adversity:
1. adverse fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress, or
2. an adverse or unfortunate event or circumstance

In short, that means when the time is bad.

Sickness:
1. a particular disease or malady, or
2. the state or an instance of being sick; illness.

In short, that means when you are not feeling well, physically or mentally ill.

So, what it is saying is you got to stick to your spouse even if you have to go through a very difficult time, be it life, financially, work related, or if your spouse is ill, or when you are having good fortune, you got to share with your spouse.

That is a pretty tall order, no?

I mean, how many people can actually say that he or she will stay with his/her spouse when the time is bad? Good time, yes, I can understand, that is easy to spend your life with some one when the time is good. But how about during bad time? I am talking about something really nasty.

Example: How about if your spouse is having terminally ill cancer and on the hospital bed for the past 10 months. Will you be staying with him/her, beside his deathbed and just encouraging him or her to be strong and fight the illness? Or would you try to stay away as much as you can? You might say you would stay put, but honestly, try to imagine that you have to pick up his/her puke all the time, clean him/her up twice a day, feed him/her 3 times a day, or how about cleaning him/her up after he/she has just shitted in his/her own pants? Or how about if he/she met a terrible accident and he/she is disable from the neck-down, so you have to carry him/her up the car, in the house, onto the bed, wash him/her, and many other things? Try to imagine that, and also imagine that you are not like filthy rich so you got to work day time job as well while managing your life to take care of your completely disabled spouse.


Or how about another example: If his/her business fails and he/she is in complete financial disaster, so there’s totally no income from his/her part and you are the sole breadwinner. But obviously, your income is limited, so the credit card companies, the house loan, the utilities, the landlords, they are all chasing you constantly for the little money you have. Will you still stick to him or her? . Imagine the constant pressure that you will get from these debtors, calling you nonstop everyday to chase you, and how about maybe, just maybe, some harassment from the thugs (some of them call themselves Professional Debt Collector but we all know what they are) to collect those debts? Will you still stick to him or her? If you just walk out from the marriage, you can just enjoy your life again, and you don’t have to worry how you going to spend your income because that income is more than enough to sustain yourself

So do you see where I am going here?

It’s easy to say “Hey, let’s get married!” and it is easy to answer, “Oh yeah, why not?”

That’s why the divorce rate has been in the up trend since God knows when. That’s why a lot of couples are arguing to no end. That’s why a lot of people are in distress because the other person chose to walk out from his/her life when time was difficult.

Make no mistake. I have seen some really amazing couples that has gone through really tough time and they had some really amazing relationship.

Oh no, I am not a marriage counsellor. But my advice to all you love birds out there; think careful and long, and take a good look at your partner, and ask yourself this “Will I promise to love, honor, and trust her/him in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to her/him so long as we both shall live?”

If your answer is a YES after a long and hard evaluation, then congratulations, go get married. Mind you, I am saying that if you really think you can be there when the time is really bad, not like an obligation or duty, but it is something you are willing to do. And let’s hope you won’t change your mind the day after your wedding.

If your answer is NO, then you should probably look else where for someone you can really share your life with. It is easy to share good stuff, but it is the bad stuff that matters. It always is.

As for me…

Well, let me put it this way. From my previous failed relationship with Maria, I have decided to stay single for as long as I can. I would like to make it “Single For Life” if I can, and I will work hard on that mission. Some of you will say that I don’t deserve to be single for the rest of my life. But trust me, that is something I want to do.

So why am I writing about all these stuff? Well, let’s just say I am inspired by something that has happened to write about this, and just let it stay that way.

24
Jan

Married vs Single

By Adrian 9 Comments
Categories: about me

I hate Chinese New Year.

Yes, I will say it again, I HATE CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Every damn year, those noisy little nosy relatives will keep on drilling me questions, and if I were to make a Top 10 List of Questions that they will ask me, I will have to cross out 9 items. There’s only ONE damn question they know how to ask.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED AND START GIVING OUT ANGPOW1?

Hello! Excuse me? Even if and when I get married, its none of your damn business okay? Just mind your own business and keep me out of it. This is my life and I have the goddamn right to get married when I feel like doing so. And I am trying to enjoy my single life.

Of course, I got to smile and pretend it was all good. Because I know that if I just say “Oh I just broke up with Maria,” and I can guarantee that all hell break loose. Those bunch of nosy relatives will surround me like quick sand, and drill me with more questions like, “Oh what’s wrong?”, “Awww what happened?”, or my favorite, “Why ah?”

HELLO! You guys are asking that question not because you are so damn concern about me, but you are just trying to find some gossip topic. And why? How am I suppose to answer you that? Furthermore, why should I explain anything to you? This is my life and I don’t have to explain a single thing to you.

Of course. I cannot say that also. Not when my mom is watching just around the corner. I mean, she has been teaching me to respect the elders and the relatives, so again, I got to use all my energy to force a smile or something that resembles a smile, and just smile.

So do you know why its so dreading? It’s not only that. It’s just so damn exhausting. Faking the smile whole day, trying to pretend nothing has happened. Worse of all, Chinese New Year is on February 7th, which is just a stone throw away, so I am not going to tell my family that my love life has just gone down the drain. They would be worried. So I can only tell them way after, like at least 6 months later, when I think the time is right.

Anyway, now that I am very single and available, I got the time to really dig through my mind and come up with a comparison between married life and a single life. Hope you like the list and if you find something extra to add, feel free to peel the comment page off!
Continue reading

23
Jan

Masturbation Gesture Gone Wrong and others…

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: jokes and weird shit

I just saw this YouTube video and it is hilarious!

Remember to turn on the volume to hear the conversation. It is highly NOT recommended to watch this in the office with the volume up, unless it is lunch time and there’s no one else in the office.

And here is another pretty amazing video on YouTube. Even though it is amateur stuff, but it beats National Geography in some sense and we can all witness how nature works, and how working together can even defeat the worst enemy in life. Must watch! Just ignore the background noise and enjoy the battle between the lions, crocodile and the ox. I guess that is just a daily routine for those wild life in Africa.



Enjoy :)

22
Jan

Instant Messaging Wherever You Go

By Adrian 0 Comments
Categories: Technology and iphone

iPhone 1 For me, I like to spend time on Instant Messaging (IM) such as MSN Messenger and the like to keep in touch with my friends. Or sometimes when I go shopping with my family, I would sit at the Starbucks, sipping my coffee, reading a magazine or two, and whip out my phone to do some chatting.

Okay, if you are one of those that uses Microsoft Windows Mobile (WM) PDA phone, then you have the MSN things bundled together (like Hotmail, MSN Messenger etc). As I have said it many times, and I will say it again; Windows sucks.

Or I will give you my personal favorite quote, “The only thing Microsoft makes that doesn’t suck is a vacuum cleaner.”

But how about those who aren’t using Windows Mobile PDA phone? The best example is your highness, ME.

I have a Sony Ericsson, a Nokia, and my beloved iPhone (Okay, I confess, I have a HTC Touch, a WM PDA Phone). For Sony Ericsson and Nokia, you can purchase one of those software to be installed on your phones to chat online. But I think good things should come free, and that’s why I hardly put my hard-earned money on a piece of software that I can download and use for free.

I mean, if you come to think about it, MSN Messenger is free. Yahoo Messenger is free. Google Talk is free. ICQ is free. The only thing that you are paying is of course your Internet connection and you can chat for free on those IM, so why must you pay for it? On top of that, if you are using your mobile connection like EDGE or 3G, you are charged with the data fee ontop of the software. So it doesn’t make sense to me, especially when I like to change phone once in a while and that piece of software might not be compatible with my new phone, so I will be wasting my hard-earned money only.

I am going to introduce you to a website, a wonderful website, and it is called meebo. meebo is an online instant messaging website, offering Yahoo! Messenger, AIM, MSN Messenger, google talk, and even ICQ. So if your phone has a proper Web Browser (such as my iPhone), then just go to that website and start chatting with your friends!

This website is also great for those corporate people whom the IT Department block all these IM services and port. You can just go to the website, log in to your desire IM service and start chatting away!

My advice: Please do watch the cost for your EDGE connection. If there’s free wireless connection available, such as most Starbucks do provide nowadays, and your phone has WiFi connection, use it.

21
Jan

Depression: The New Order of Life

By Adrian 7 Comments
Categories: about me and rants and raves

According to Wikipedia, clinical depression is as explained as below (rephrased):-

Clinical depression (also called major-depressive disorder or unipolar depression) is a common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a persistent lowering of mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure. Clinical depression is a serious illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts that cannot simply be willed or wished away. It is often a disabling disease that affects a person’s work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, general health and ability to enjoy life. The course of clinical depression varies widely: depression can be a once in a life-time event or have multiple recurrences, it can appear either gradually or suddenly, and either last for few months or be a life-long disorder. Having depression is a major risk factor for suicide; in addition, people with depression suffer from higher mortality from other causes.

NOTE: For more information, please click here.

You might be wondering; why is this guy writing about clinical depression? What does he know about clinical depression?

I was once diagnosed with clinical depression.

It was many years ago when I was still in the States, during my university days. My father passed away, and money was really tight, and I was facing tremendous pressure to pay the expensive tuition fee, the books, and my own living expenses. My fucked up relatives, who owed my father big sum of money, couldn’t be bother to return those money to my mom so she could support me. So I was left all alone.

And then, during that period of time, I also found out that my ex was actually cheating on me while I was struggling in the States. She was sleeping with her colleague and I found out, by accident and ironically, on her birthday.

During that period of time, I worked few jobs a day, illegally, to sustain my life. I had to work from noon til wee hour in the morning, grab only 2 to 3 hours of sleep, and then rushed to the classroom for the lectures. Money was difficult, and the Malaysia economy crisis during 1997 didn’t help a bit. So I was constantly struggling, worrying about this and that, and I was in constant fear that I would get caught and be deported from the States for working illegally.

Then there were many other things to worry about, like exams, projects, my living conditions, and etc. So I was not well. I lost like 15 kgs in 2 months, lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, no appetite, and became weird. I thought about suicide all the time, and my friend dragged me to see a doctor. Only then I found out I had clinical depression, a serious one (or sometimes refer to as Major Clinical Depression).

Unfortunately, the prescription drug was expensive (for me, at least, as I was working my ass off from few low paid jobs) so I bought the drugs, but never renewed the prescription, and I didn’t take the drugs as often as the doctor recommended because I was trying to save the money. I worked hard, mentally, to think positive. It was really difficult, but I overcame it after years of struggling.

Often, people see me and they thought, “Oh such a happy person!” but they had no idea the dark clouds in me.

So why am I writing about the past clinical depression period that I experienced?

Because I am lapsing back into clinical depression now, and I don’t need a doctor to discover the signs.

I have lost 10 kgs in 1 month time. More often than not, right after I ate my meal, I had this urge to vomit out the food. It is not intentional, and I had tried to control the puking but failed, and most time than not, I would puke out the complete meal, even the soup. My body has been rejecting the food that I consumed, and there is no way I can stop it, nor help it.


Sometimes I went without eating anything but surviving on instant coffee alone for 2 days. I couldn’t help it when I just won’t feel hungry. But sometimes when I eat, I could 3 set meals at McDonald’s and still didn’t feel full at all.

And then, I lost interest in many things. I am afraid to meet new people now, and I am also afraid to meet old friends. Then I have lost energy in many things and became lethargic most of the time. I couldn’t sleep even when I was dead tired, and when I sleep, I could often sleep for hours and hours, refusing to wake up.

I like to hole up in a room, dark most of the time, and sit there and do nothing for hours. Just sitting there, thinking about nothingness, but one thought that constantly plague my mind; suicide.

Sometimes when I was sitting in front of the laptop, I would open TextEdit and started typing my Farewell Notes to my friends and family. Sometimes without realizing what I have done, I saved the file and printed it out, sealed in an envelope and leave the envelope at a highly visible place.

Sometimes I would draft out a suicide plan, thinking how my death could benefit my family members. Oh, I had to be careful because I certainly cannot let the insurance guy to get a hint of this plan or else all the insurance money will be wasted, and my mom won’t be getting anything. Yup, I thought about it and I have an actual plan in hand. I have the time and dated printed out, and a very detail way to end my own life.

Sometimes when I do go to a shopping mall, I would peek down from the top floor, imagine how happy it would be if I just take the leap, falling into the abyss and be free of myself. I could imagine that if I take the plunge, the wind blowing through my hair would also blow away all the worries and things that had been haunting me. The wind brushing my body could make me feel weightless and would wash away all the sadness so I can be happy, finally. I can even imagine that when I am falling, I would smile and wave to the watching crowd.

Look at the information bar below. All the signs and symptoms fit what I had experienced for the past 6 months.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I caught myself and stopped myself from jumping over the edge.

I am trying to overcome this problem by myself. But people like me should remain single and alone because clinical depression might pass on to the offsprings, and I don’t want my future children to experience depression.

Seems like clinical depression is the new order of my life, and I cannot escape it again. Doctors and psychiatrists believe that if a person is experiencing reoccurrence clinical depression, that person might experience it for the rest of his life, all the time…

To find out if you have clinical depression, please see the signs and symptoms as described below:-
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Loss of appetite and/or weight loss, or conversely overeating and weight gain
- Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Restlessness or irritability
- Feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Thoughts of death or suicide or attempts at suicide
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
- Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down” or sluggish
- Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
Source: from Wikipedia here

19
Jan

Need an explanation: Nuffnang Earnings

By Adrian 7 Comments
Categories: General

I am baffled.

I looked at the Nuffnang ad units for my blog, and the earning, I have no idea how it works.

First, they said it depends on viewers traffic. I am getting more traffic flow into my blog, not by big count, but the earning I got was actually down by 25% while my traffic increased by around 4%. So does it mean that the more traffic you get, the less you earn? Damn, that girl whom called herself xiasui xia xue must be earning pennies right now. And poor Kenny Sia, he must be owing Nuffnang loads of money now.

By the way, there are periods that I don’t get paid. Take a look at the picture below.
nuffnang paid out

Notice the breaks in between December and January? There are 2 weeks when there’s no income. Nothing at all. Well, the last time I checked, my blog was still serving advertisement from Nuffnang during that 2 weeks period. Does that mean I am serving these ads for free?

Or does it mean that Nuffnang tracks the traffic and only those originated from Malaysia and Singapore counts for the ads earning pay out? I have no idea.

No, I am not trying to bitch on Nuffnang. I just hope someone can explain to me how it works, and why I am not getting any paid out during that 2 weeks period. Besides, my ads earnings are so measly that it doesn’t make a slight difference to me, but I just want to understand how it works and I just need an honest explanation.

So anyone can explain to me how it works?

The follow section is updated on Jan 19 @ 9:57pm

Let me clarify about my confusion.

If you were to dig through Nuffnang FAQ section, you will see this…

a) Cost Per Unique Visitor Ads
Earnings for Cost Per Unique Visitor Ads are calculated based on the number of unique visitors to a blog when an ad campaign is being run. Basically, you have to achieve a minimum amount of 20 unique visitors to your blog and maintain that amount in order to be in the running to receive Cost Per Unique Visitor Ads. Then, you can sit back and relax while our advertisers select the blogs on which to run their ad campaigns on. Should you be selected, you will be notified by email based on the type and the duration of the ad campaign.

b) CPC Ads
Any blogger registered with Nuffnang is automatically eligible run have CPC Ads. You will be paid each time the ad is clicked on and your earnings will appear at the end of the week.
In spite of running CPC ads, Cost Per Unique Visitor ads will always be given priority since in the past we have found that that Cost Per Unique Visitor ads seem to pay more since they don’t depend on the number of times your user clicks on your ads.
The amount of earnings along with its rates will remain confidential until it is released in your earnings.

It is clearly stated that once you have a minimum of 20 unique visitors, you will be able to enjoy CPM or CPA ads, which pays a better rate. Now, the problem is, I have more than 20 unique visitors per day, and yet my ads are still in CPC format. So how does that happen?

17
Jan

Sample Break Up E-mail

By Adrian 9 Comments
Categories: guide

Due to extremely highly popular demand, and also in conjunction with the highly popular Google search keyword “Farewell Email to Colleague” [you can find it here], I am going to showcase a sample email to your boyfriend/girlfriend to ask for break up.

Don’t laugh. You will thank me for this if you decide to take this route in the future (of course I do not wish that you will breakup with your boyfriend/girlfriend, but IF, and that’s a big IF, you need a guide, you will know where to find it).

————————————————————————
From: Adrian
To: XXX (normally it is some sweet names)
Subject: I love you

Dear XXX (replace with name or nickname),

I know you always think that I don’t love you as much as you love me, and you told me so a few times. To tell you the truth, you are completely right. That’s why I try to do the best I can to love you more, and that is the reason why I have gone through a few phases in our relationship to discover the deepness of my love to you.

In order to let you know how much I love you, I will have to explain to you how I found the nirvana of love in you. So please read this email as careful as you can and please don’t be mad at me.

Do you remember that on the 3rd week since we started dating and you brought me to this pizza restaurant to meet up with your best friend, Laura? (replace the name with any name) Right after that night after you had gone home, Laura and I made out in the Hilton Hotel for 4 hours straight. By the way, we still meet up once in a while to have some casual sex. It’s nothing serious, just some really casual sex between us, so please don’t take this too seriously and personally. But what I want to tell you is that even thought she has beautiful blue eyes, cute little buttock but I still couldn’t stop myself thinking about you while having sex with Laura.

And then, on the day I moved to your house to stay with you, I noticed that your neighbor Angie, the gym instructor, got a really hot body. The next day after you went to work, she knocked on our door to give us a pie as a welcome gift, and we ended throwing the pie everywhere while we were having some hot and steamy sex on your couch, and then on your bed, and after that on the kitchen table. I have to admit, she has a really tight and hot body, and she was great sex, but I still couldn’t put you out of my mind as I can remember how soft your body feels and what a moaner you are.

No, don’t take me wrongly. Angie and I are just some casual thing also. It was purely for sex and so far we have met up around 20 times to have casual sex, but it was nothing serious. We didn’t even go out for a date!

Then, about a month ago, your cousin Brittney dropped by to our house but you were not around. She wanted to pass you something that your mother gave you, so I invited her to come in to have tea while waiting for you to come back. Unfortunately, we ended up having sex on the couch. Oh my, your cousin is really young and beautiful, but the best thing is that she is really inexperience, and it was a great fun humping her. But while doing her, I just couldn’t keep you out of my mind as I remember your sweetness and tenderness on bed.

Just yesterday while I was doing Brittney again in a motel, it suddenly struck me hard that while I enjoy having casual sex with Brittney, Laura and Angie on weekly basis, the one and only person that I want to be with is you. I mean, sex with Brittney, Laura and Angie are great, but still, you are the greatest. Brittney, Laura and Angie are just some different favor on the spectrum. Yes, you, the true love of my life. So after having sex with Brittney and washed up, as you have always told me to do, I sat down and type you this email to express my greatest love to you.

I hope you will understand the phases that I went through. I have been through a lot and I finally saw the light last night while I was climaxing, and I finally realized how much I love you.

Regards,
Adrian aka hubbybubbly (*shivers* replace with any name/nickname)

————————————————————————

I know this is a complete opposite of the 2008 Valentine’s Gift Guide that I wrote about, but it is good to have an alternate plan, right? You know, just in case things don’t work out the way you wanted…

Related Post:
Farewell That Made People Weep on August 20, 2006
The Steps After Breakup

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