Archive for November, 2007

28
Nov

Donation

The other day when I was talking to a friend, she mentioned how her biological clock was ticking and how she prepared to be a healthy mother. That reminds me of a crazy experience I had quite a long time ago.

I had this female couple friends (translation: lesbian) that I had known for quite some time. Dare I say we were pretty close friends and sometimes we just hang out, talking, drinking beer, watching football games (American football, not the EPL), eating, watching movies and stuff. Just the stuff friends do together.

One day, one of them was talking about how she wanted to have a child, an offspring, for them couple and that would be very special. I suggested adoption since, well, it is biologically impossible for two females couples to get pregnant without one sex being the sperm donor. She said she would think of adoption but she would prefer to have her own biological offspring, and that would be something more special to them.

After that conversation, I didn’t think much about the topic.

A few weeks later, she called me up and said she got something to discuss with me. I went over to their place, which was quite near to where I was staying, and when I reached, they were sitting on the couch, having lemonades and waiting for me to arrive. I sat down opposite them, turned on the TV and flipped the channel to ESPN and started to drink beer.

“Adrian?” one of them said.

“Yeah,” I replied automatically while watching the latest NBA score, “what’s up?”

“Do you remember how we talked about having our own children?” she said.

“Of course,” again, I replied automatically as I was glued to the final seconds of the game. It was playoffs, and I put my bets on the team and it was a really close game, “I do remember. So you guys wanna adopt?”

She thought for awhile, “No, and that’s why we are asking you to come here.”

“Uh huh,” I replied, didn’t know what was coming, “so what can I help?”

“We want you to be our child’s father,” she said very slowly.

I thought I heard it wrongly, and I unglued my sights from the TV, turned slowly and looked at them with wide eyes. It wasn’t a good few seconds until I replied, “You want me to be what?”

She said, very carefully, “You know how it is impossible for us to have baby unless there is a man involved. We don’t want to adopt. We want to have our very own baby. So we thought long and hard and we think you are the best…er..donor.”

I thought they were joking, “Oh okay. So how do you want it? Do you want it in a jar or should we go to a clinic?”

Then I watched the game again.

They looked at each other, and said, “No, clinic is too expensive and we do not have that kind of budget. We want it the … erm…. natural way.”

I laughed, still thinking they were joking. “So you mean we should have sex, the natural way, so you can conceive a baby.”

They simply nodded. I laughed again, and I was thinking out loud, “Man, this is funny. This will be the first time I fuck a lesbian.”

“Lesbians,” she corrected me.

“Huh? You mean both of you? I thought you want to be a mother?” I asked. This time the game wasn’t that interesting anymore.

“Well, there might be a chance I cannot conceive. But with both of us, we will have a higher chance. We try to make this a one-time thing,” she answered.

Suddenly it hit me; they were not joking about wanting me to be the father of their child. “You guys are not joking, are you?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “we are really serious and we sincerely think that you are the best candidate.”

“Why me?” I asked, stupidly.

“Well, we are close friends and we feel really comfortable around you,” she said, “And of course you are good looking, funny, smart, and we want those genes.”

“Huh? Me? Good looking? Er… I need to think about it,” I told them.

“Well, we called you because we think you are the best, and after my calculation, next Tuesday onwards will be the best time for both of us to conceive,” she looked at her partner with great love, “so we want you to stay here with us for 3 days next week, to.. er.. you know…”

“I really need to think about it,” I said.

She said with great sincerity, “We understand. Please do consider it and we will hold all the responsibilities. No string attached and we really hope you will do it.”

“Okay, I will think about it carefully,” I replied.

Honestly, what are the odds that a man get to do a lesbian in his lifetime? I mean, beside the possibility that the female did not realize that she swings the other way when she make love to the man. Furthermore, this is 2 lesbians that we are talking about! Two hot lesbians! I mean, free sex for 3 days non-stop, do nothing but hump each other like a bunny and hopefully one of the bullets will strike bull’s eye. I mean, how could a man with full of energy and sexual needs refuse that?

Men have two heads, and normally we use the wrong head to think. Seriously, even using both heads to think, I did not see any reason to object to that. First of all, I would be doing them a favor as they wanted a child. Secondly, I get to do two young hot beautiful lesbians. Thirdly, what are the odds that I will get to do a lesbian again in my life time?

But I had one big concern; if I were to do it, I will have a child with them, but then I am only biologically related as I will not be a part of the child’s life. Did I really want that?

After thinking for long and deep, finally Monday came, and she called me again.

“Adrian? So will you come over and stay with us for 3 days?” she asked.

“No. I am sorry. I really wanted to help, but I don’t want to have a child and not being able to be the father of the child. I simply can not do it,” I told her honestly. But more honest is that if there was no child nor pregnancy involved, I would have jumped into the sack and humped them day and night for 3 days straight.

I could hear her sighed on the other end of the phone, “I understand. Thank you though, for considering it.”

“That is the least I can do. I am really sorry though,” I said.

Later, I heard that they found some other sperm donor, and then I moved to another state so I didn’t get to see them. But I heard they did conceive a baby, and it was a girl.

To think of it, I passed on a chance to have sex with 2 hot young beautiful lesbians. I am not sure if I should slap myself or congratulate myself. But if I were to experience it again, I am not sure if I would do the same thing again.

28
Nov

SLK

Mercedes-Benz has created a very successful brand. I mean, 120 years of car making, or crap like that, and when you mention SLK, a lot of people will think it is the Mercedes-Benz SLK.

Apparently, there is a different SLK in the market. Let me tell you a story…

Last night I went out dinner with a few friends. When my friend parked his car in the proper parking allocation, we proceeded to the restaurant. A friend has reached slightly earlier than us, and he whispered to me, “Hey, there’s a SLK here.”

I turned and looked around the car park. There were a few Mercedes-Benz E-class in sight, a few BMW, one Porsche Boxer, a lot of Hondas and Toyotas. But no SLK in sight.

Before I could say a thing, my friend tapped me on the shoulder, “Pssssst. This one.” And he tilted his head to his right.

I looked at it, and there it was, a brightly yellow “SLK”. He asked me to peer into the cabin, and I did.

HOLY CRAP! This guy has very tight security for this car. I mean, from what I can see, besides the factory central alarm, he got a steering lock, a brake lock, and a handbrake/gear lock! I mean, it would probably take the best thief in the world to take 20 minutes to steal the car.

The irony is that SLK, which stands for Small Little Kancil is the cheapest car in the carpark bay. From all the cars I have seen in that carpark, I didn’t see anyone putting up so much security as this guy.

Now, you have to remember one thing. SLK has double meaning in Malaysia. So if someone is telling you that he/she is driving a SLK, remember to ask, “Do you mean Mercedes SLK or Small Little Kancil.”

[Of course, not everyone knows what the hell is a Kancil. Luckily enough I am kind enough to show you this link].

26
Nov

You Wanna Race Me?

Just found this video, a commercial actually. Check it out, it is pretty hilarious.

21
Nov

My Christmas Plan

You know, for all these years that Maria and I together, we had never celebrated Christmas together, not even once. She would always go back to Singapore to spend the time with her family. This year she will definitely go back as her family is moving away after Christmas. So there goes the Christmas celebration.

Me? Well, my family is a traditional Chinese family so we do not celebrate Christmas. The only festive seasons that we do celebrate are Chinese New Year, Hungry Ghost Festival and Moon Cake Festival. Yup, that’s about it.

This year it won’t be much different. Hell, actually this year it is worse than any other years and my Christmas was pretty much fucked up since 3 weeks ago. I will not elaborate more on this, so let’s just keep it that way.

So what’s my plan for Christmas?

Well, BIG PLAN!!! I intend to booze myself up and down, inside and out. So the best place is Langkawi, with plenty of cheap booze around. I intend to just sit on the beach and down 3 bottles of Chivas. Yeah, I will pass out, and most probably just sleep on the beach until I get serious sun burn in the morning and my skin peels off like a snake. But guess what? I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! I just want to get drunk, very very drunk. Hell, I will use those IV drip to drip down one bottle of Absolut Vodka into my blood even if I am already passed out, if I can.

Do I really care about the consequences? You can bet your cute bouncy tight ass that I don’t give a fuck. (Yeah, all my readers have nice ass, and its a compliment, so don’t argue with me!)

Yeah, that’s the desire level of mine on how much I want to get drunk. Overdosed with alcohol? Yeah babeh! BRING IT ON!!! The more the merrier! Now that’s the merry part for the fucking Merry Christmas.

Just in case you are not clear, I fucking hate Christmas. Yup, people are being joyful and merry, but I just fucking hate Christmas. In fact, this year’s Christmas is all the way on top of the Most Hateful Things list. I hate it doesn’t mean I have to spoil it for other people, that’s why I want to do this alone. Yes, so just fucking leave me alone.

For those who are celebrating, well, I do wish that you enjoy your Christmas. For me, I will enjoy my Christmas Booze.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Now where is my booze. Found it! Absolut Vodka, I love you!

Yay!

19
Nov

Men are from South Pole, Women are from North Pole

Dear Readers: This is one part of the guide that will save your relationship, improve your relationship, or help you get laid. The other parts can be found here and here. Trust me, this is tested and proven.

This doesn’t apply to 100% of the population. But it covers the majority of the population. Treat this guide with extra care.

Men are from South Pole and women are from North Pole. Now that’s my general observation about the main difference between men and women; they are completely opposite.

Let me just raise one simple example; for those who has a boyfriend/girlfriend, how many times have you heard the term “I am fine!”? (And for those who are not yet in a relationship, I can guarantee you, with my manhood and all available body parts and organs, that you will hear a lot of that in the near future.)

For men, when we say we are fine, we are really fine. But if something is not fine and is bothering us, we said we are fine because we just wanted to be left alone to think about the situations and solutions. So in a sense, we are actually fine, we just wanted the time and opportunity to think. Yes, men are the logic-group; everything has a reason, solutions, analysis, and all that crap. So for women, if your men are saying fine, you can just go do your things and leave your men alone because they are alright. Don’t probe them with questions because that will only annoy them.

Yup, men are just a simple bunch, very direct and you don’t really have to second guess them.

For women, when they say they are fine, 99.283% chances are that they are not. Look for their body languages, like a folded arms, pouting lips and all that. They will tell you fine, but actually they are not. Even if you say, “Oh babe, what’s wrong? You can tell me.” and again, 89.731% guaranteed that they will tell you that they are fine. Now, you need to be quick to ask more question, like “Is XXX being a bitch again?” or “Has someone bullied you” or “Is it work?” You don’t give a shit, hit as many questions as you can and she will start talking about it. Yes, women are emotional-group and they like to talk about the issues.

If you don’t ask many questions, you might be lucky to end up not getting any sex or sleeping on the bath tub. Worse is that she will just ignore you for few months to no end. Hell, sometimes that is the single reason why some married couples getting divorced.

Unfortunately, men generally will take the verbal answer as the final answer. So the advice for women to have a better relationship with your men, tell them you are not fine if you are not fine. Your man is not a fucking mind reader so please tell him what’s in your mind. You can wait for 200 years until he finally found the right answer if you don’t tell him right away.

So do you see the polarity between men and women now?

Another example is the very simple YES and NO.

Men said YES, that means YES. Simple, direct and easy to understand.

Women said YES, that can mean YES and NO. Yup, confusing isn’t it? Tell me about it but that is how thing works for women. Women expect us to read their minds (again, please read the above message again: we men are not fucking mind readers!) and I do not have an answer for you, my dear male readers already in a relationship, in pursuit of a relationship, or even if you are a loner. You just have to thread the water carefully and be very witty and smart to maneuver the situations, otherwise you are fucked fried fucked, not literally.

Another most common term we hear in a relationship is “Up to you”.

Now, an example; during dinner hour, the couple was having discussion about what they should take for dinner.

When men said, “Up to you,” and that means it is really, and I do mean really, up to the female. The female make any, and I do mean, ANY (most of the time anyway), suggestions, the men will say, “Okay! Let’s go!”

For women, when they said “Up to you”, they normally have a list of about 20 places to go and she’s hoping that what come out from your mouth will hit one of the jackpots. Been there, done that, so nowadays I give up on the rights to make any choice for dinner/lunch/breakfast.

Consider the following conversation. I am sure many of you whom has gone through a relationship can relate to this conversation.

ME: What do you want to eat dear?
Girl: Up to you babe.
ME: Fried noodle?
Girl: Too much soy sauce.
ME: Japanese food?
Girl: Too expensive.
ME: How about KFC?
Girl: Too heaty and I am afraid of acne.
ME: Okay, how about Italian?
Girl: Eww the cheese is too fattening.
ME: Alright, how about Steak House?
Girl: Er… all meat, not healthy.
ME: Hmmm.. how about vegetarian?
Girl: What? All veggie and no meat? How boring!
ME: So what you want to eat?
Girl: How about Vietnamese?
ME: Okay.

So the solution for men is really simple; say something slick and sweet, like (1)”I don’t care what to eat as long as I got your company,” or (2)”Babe, why not you choose? You always have a better choice than I do.” But don’t repeat the same old shit all the time, otherwise she will not buy that kind of answer anymore and you will end up frustrated.

15
Nov

Poker and Breast Feeding

Last night when I logged in to Facebook to play the Texas Hold’Em Poker, I saw the message box got some messages. So I read it.

In order to protect the privacy of these individuals, I will just call this dude Guy and this lady Girl (the fact is I forgot their names, but no one has to know that).

Guy: You must breast feed until the child is 2 years old.

My first thought was, “Sweet mother Jessus of all love, is this guy for real? I mean, we are here to play poker and yet this dude is talking about breast-feeding?”

My second thought was, “Maybe this dude is the father of the child so they are having domestic argument on the Poker table. That’s really wicked.” So I dug into this guy’s profile, and he is from Malaysia. I looked at the girl. Well, let’s just say she’s almost 100% Caucasian and her profile stated that she’s from Europe country. Then I read the ongoing conversation while playing my Poker.

Girl: Well, nowadays babies do get off breast feeding early.
Guy: Oh you and your modern thing.
Girl: Bottle is more convenient and easier for the father too.
Guy: I don’t understand. Convenient?
Girl: Yeah, when the father wants to spend some bonding time with the baby, he can bring the bottles so very convenient.
Guy: Bonding?
Girl: Yeah. You know, like spending time to get close to the baby.
Guy: You make me laugh, Girl. You and your idea make me scare to have baby.

Seriously, I was on a winning streak but I couldn’t stand it anymore. Even though I had good cards that time, I folded it, and typed a message to Guy.

ME: Dude, just shut the fuck up. No one gives a shit if you are going to have babies, and it is better if you don’t. Just leave other people alone as they have their own methods. If you wanna play Poker, play. If not, at least shut the fuck up!

By that, I left that table because I felt really embarrassed by this one particular Malaysian. Why can’t people have their own choice of feeding their babies? This dude seriously used the wrong choice of words, like “must”, and he scoffed at the idea of father-and-son bonding? Jesus, where do this kind of people come from? Are we still living in the stone age or if he is still living on a tree? It will be pretty amazing to be living on a tree and yet having internet connection.

I don’t know, and I sure as hell not interested to find out. I just hope this fucker will loose all his chips and will never win in his life time.

13
Nov

The Art of Online Chat

This morning a message popped up on my chat, and this person started chatting to me.

abell_cutie: Hi
me: Hello
abell_cutie: How are you
me: I am great. You?
abell_cutie: ur asl pls
me: age? I am old. Sex? Yes please! Location? I am here that what matters the most.

After that, I never hear from her anymore.

That is one great way to stop those strangers from straying too long and waste your time. Yes, I do that all the time to piss off the strangers, but who give a fuck? They won’t know who I am and shit like that. I am shielded by many layers of IP, the screen and the keyboard. So I am safe.

Okay, first of all, after all these years, why are people still messaging a stranger and ask for A/S/L? (that stands for Age/Sex/Location, just in case you want to know) Don’t they have something better to ask? I mean, this A/S/L shit has been going on for years and years and it seems like no one care to think of a better question! So my standard reply is always what I have told her, or if that is a “she” at all.

Just some suggestions to the younger generation…

me: Hello! How are you doing?
someone: Hi! I am great. You?
me: I am doing great! Do you facebook/MySpace? If you do, add me and let’s cybersex there!
someone: Sure! My email/url is XXXXXXXXXX

See, more direct and shit. Besides, you have a higher chance to seeing that person’s face on facebook/MySpace (if they do put their real picture, that is), know where they are from, know their age, know what they do, what they have done and what are their interests. Isn’t that better than asking all these same old shit like A/S/L? Everyone will get tired from typing “21/HOT male/Malaysia” and shit like that (by the way, I am not 21. Just a saying).

There are many new great things out there, like the development of Facebook, MySpace, or even Friendster. So why not be creative and think of something new to stay instead of sticking to the old mantra of A/S/L?

Please have the chat ethic and use the new things, be creative and stop being so suck!

Thank you.

10
Nov

Invisible Man

No, I do not possess the super power or any kind like those characters in X-Men, Superman, Spiderman, or anything. Hell, I am not even half invisible with my spare wheel with 19 inch sports rim securely clad on my waist. With a 6ft frame, I will be fucking lucky if no one will notice me when I enter a room. So you research freaks can rule me out from your fucking lab-rat-kind-of experiments.

Isn’t it great to be the Invisible Man, like those in the comics. I mean, you can save shitload of money from buying clothes, pants, socks, shoes. I mean, why the fuck if you want to buy those if you are the Invisible Man? If you wear those shits, then you are not invisible anymore (people will see the clothes, pants and everything else, understand?). You can walk into any house and no one will see you. Hell, you can walk into Jessica Alba’s house, peek at her while she’s showering or making juicy sex with her partner, and she can’t even see you! (Ironic, isn’t it? Jessica Alba played the invisible woman in Fantastic 4 movie)

When I was still a small kid, I always wished that I have had some kind of super power so that I can save the world. Imagine how cool it is to be able to fly and save the hottest chick on the planet from some villain, and stop the natural disaster that could destroy the earth. Very cool, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, very soon I realized, from all the bruises and broken bones, that I am just a normal person. The only super power that I have might be my ability to ..er… none whatsoever.

But somehow, sometimes, somewhere, I feel invisible.

It is a funny feeling. I mean, the person won’t even throw you a look, nor hear what you gotta say, nor even trying to acknowledge your existence. Imagine that this person is watching the TV. You open the door, as normal as you should, and you enter the room. This person won’t even turn the head to take a look at you, nor rolling the eyes to look at you. Hell, when this person is standing right in front of you, the eyes were more or less focused on the objects behind you, hence making you invisible.

The best you are to this person is thin air. Worse? You are just like a fucking fart. Oh yes, a fucking fart because you are the annoying smelly gas, but still invisible, unless you can blow some colored gas out from your ass. And if you can do fart out colored natural gas, please email me. Hell, take a movie of yourself and email it to me. I would like to take a look on that. I will even post it on YouTube on your behalf.

Anyway, back to the topic…

Why would I feel invisible? Hell, sometimes I wish I have good answers to all the questions. Did I do something to deserve to be invisible? As far as I know, and after a week of soul searching, the honest answer is a big NO. I do not fucking deserve it. Do I enjoy finally able to go invisible after all these years since childhood? No. I want to make a big impact in life. I want to be somebody. I don’t want to be invisible to anyone.

But as you know it, that’s life.

Life will throw some curve ball at you when you least expected it. Hell, when you don’t need that kind of fast curve ball hitting you, it will hit you in the fact face, hard. The feeling is like when you have fall deep into a well, and when you thought you have reached the rock bottom, you soon find that the earth on the well is just a fucking decoy, and then you fall deeper into the endless abyss. Oh yeah, it is that deep. And my friend, that’s life, to all of us.

But need not worry. We human beings are strong in nature. We will find a way to clinch the wall with our fingers, and we will crawl out from the abyss even if it means we will suffer some broken fingers, bruise legs, or sprain ankle. We can do it, we all can.

08
Nov

All About Women

The other day I was having a mamak session with some old friends late at night. Just in case you want to know, we are all licensed to go out at night to drink (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) and those licensed are certified by our wives/girlfriends/boyfriends. So it was all good.

The conversation drifted many ways, but mostly it was about the current issues and shit like that, until someone mention girls. Now, with a bunch of guys sitting around, the topics of discussion normally won’t stray too far from cars, money, politics and girls. So it was not a surprise to me. But what was being discussed was really something interesting.

Now, we talked about men like boobs, and most men will prefer a big gigantic-like-titanic type of boobs, including some of my friends. Hell, some even think that their wives/girlfriends need to go for breast enhancement. No thanks. Big boobs like that will scare the shit out of me. I am not talking about 40C size or something. Like in some of those porno, these girls have boobs bigger than a papaya, like 40FFFFF or some shit like that. Hell, I used to have sex with a girl with huge jugs, and she certainly was in the D category. Did I enjoy it? At first yes, but I found that big boobs generally spoil the beauty of the women. I personally like them medium size, firm and bouncy. As my friend said, “Anything more than a mouthful is a waste.”

Next up was the hip. All of us agreed that a firm, solid and well-shaped ass is a big turn-on. “Oh yes, imagine with you are doing doggy-style, the view will be a big turn on,” one of my friends exclaimed loudly, drawing some attentions from the all-girls-no-guys table next to us. I agree to that as well, and I guess those girls would be rushing back home to do some hip exercise to firm up their ass or something.

Then who can argue with the beauty of a long, slim and well toned legs? I don’t know about you, but we all like girls with miles and miles of legs, literally speaking of course. But the problem with girls with long legs is that they will not see them (not me) because my friends are in the vertically challenged category. They all think it is embarrassing to have their women, wearing flats, to breath air a few meters above them.

For me, I would prefer women with a very balance body shape. Some might prefer Pamela Anderson’s big jugs with JLo’s gigantic ass. Not me, I prefer them medium and most importantly, well balanced. Best if the women know how to take care of themselves (imagine girl with acne on the back, left and right) and well-shaved. Yes, that means less body hair is better, and that includes the Southern region, if you catch my drift. Less body hair = clean look. Well, that’s me anyway, and don’t quote me for saying that.

Anyway, all these were for mamak-style discussion purposes only. In no way we are complaining about our life partners nor expressing dissatisfaction on our partners. It was something like a group discussion on our fantasies.

In fact, all of us are happy with our life partners and at the end of the day, we still go back to our life-partner for love, comfort, and also sex.

One word of advice to my male readers: Do not express any interest in opposite sex to your girlfriends/wives. They can say they adore Brad Pitt or some hot hunk, but we men are not allowed to do so. When we say that, women will take it as a sign that we are going stray. So keep those comments to yourself unless you are one of the lucky ones that have a girlfriend/wive that don’t mind you talk about other women.

Oh by the way, Happy Deepavali to y’all!

06
Nov

The Side Effects of Playstation

Oh! I love news like this.

Apparently a 16 years old hired a hitman to assassinate his parents. I mean, how could a 16 years old possess the money to hire a hitman? Need not to worry, the kid is smart enough to offer the hitman his stepfather’s brand new pick-up truck as a payment. Now fortunately (or should it be unfortunately? I don’t know), this hitman is actually an undercover cop. And get this, this sting operation is actually organized by the kid’s mom with the cops.

Of course, the most interesting question is, why a kid want his parents dead by hiring a hitman? The reason can’t be any easier; because he was grounded, had his PlayStation confiscated and he was banned from watching TV by his parents.

So what’s next? Some kids gonna hire Jack the Ripper to rip their parents up because they asked them to shower? Or some kids gonna poison their mom because they were being asked to do their homework? Or how about these kids will start to run their parents over with some big ass jumbo-jet because they don’t allow the kids to stay up too late at night? What the fuck is wrong with these kids?

How about a kid burning down the parents house when they don’t allow him to masturbate? Now that will be bizarre.

But what I find more interesting is the fact that the kid’s mother somehow knew about it and operated the operation with the cops to trap her son. How did she know? Furthermore, she kicked him out of the house after he went rampage, and when the kid went to a hotel, there it was, an undercover cop. I just don’t get this.

Well, is this what the world has became? Now I do have second thoughts about having kids. Hell, I don’t want my kids to jump up on the bed in the middle of the night. Well, if they jump up onto the bed to sleep with me or to play, that’s fine. But what I am worried about is they jump up and stab me hundreds of times with a Swiss Army knife because I don’t allow them to eat chewing gum. At least use a sharp knife so I can die quicker. Swiss Army knife is just pure torturing.

Yeah, I think I should really consider the option to have kids or not.

[You can find the full article here]




 

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